this beautiful life: future hillary

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Saturday, February 17, 2018

The Long Lasting Hero

And speaking of Roman Holiday, a post or two ago, I've been learning more and more even now about my hero Audrey Hepburn. A lot of heroes become less heroic the more you learn about them and the behind the scenes of their life. And then you kind of wish you could know less about them so that they could be your hero again. But you can't, so you just have to try to find a new hero. But with Audrey Hepburn...I love her and increase in respect for her the MORE I learn about her.

I'm amazed, AMAZED I tell you, at her life. She seems to be a hero for every season of my life and I'm so enjoying that realization. I love her movies, her style, all of that. But I feel...past that almost. Beyond it. It's kind of struck me as sad that this is pretty much all people know about her. But there is so much more to her life, you know? It didn't stop with the movies and the style. Her and her image went beyond those things and on to some of the most noble work that can be done in my opinion, especially from a celebrity of all people. She was a mother and an advocate for children. One of my favorite books now is a biography about her written by her son Sean Hepburn-Ferrer. Pretty much the entire book is about these two things, motherhood and Unicef. It's a glimpse into what was really important to her.

My interest in her now is looking at her work as a humanitarian, her work with Unicef. A spokesperson. For children. She used her image, her influence, people's interest in her this. For children.

I wish I could have an assignment where I could write a paper about the later years of her life and all about her work with Unicef. I've been finding interviews with her on youtube and speeches she gave about the subject.

I just can't get over her.
She lived a beautiful life, in almost every sense of the word.

Also as I was looking up these things on youtube I also discovered a newfound excitement and respect for another old celebrity- do you know who the first celebrity ambassador for Unicef was? Danny Kaye. I've always liked him. But now I think I love him. He raised so much awareness for Unicef. I found interviews and videos of him where he entertained and played games with the kids, singing songs, dancing, making faces, ruffling their hair.

These people are so impressive to me. Why aren't more celebrities doing things like this? Why aren't more of US doing things like this?

I'm so grateful for heroes that last.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

TULIPS

Side By Side October 18, 2017 Audrey-isms , future hillary 0 Comments

Tonight Audrey had a big screaming fit after bedtime. She had gotten up to use the bathroom and decided to play in there instead of going back to bed afterwards. It escalated quickly between me and her and soon she had lost it and I was trying hard not to lose it myself. I was having trouble controlling my temper.

That is just the worst feeling. To feel SO much anger towards this little person who I love and adore so much. I always feel somewhere between sobbing my heart out and kicking and screaming myself. I know she's just still learning how to have self control. But in the moment sometimes you just feel like they should know better than this- that she SHOULD have the maturity to deal with this frustration without such a tantrum. But then I remember that she doesn't yet. She's only four.

Anyways, in these moments I launch into an automatic, almost mindless prayer in my head. "Help me calm down Heavenly Father, help me be the adult here, help me know what to do." And help does come. This time it came from a memory of an Ensign article I read once upon a time.

One of the main reasons I was so upset with her in this moment was because this whole ordeal was eating up my precious PRECIOUS alone time this evening. Even Eli was asleep already and I was having a wonderful chance to get some things done. Until this. I honestly don't think I would've been half as upset if it had been during the day. I realized that I was feeling pretty resentful towards her. Then a question came to my head from this article

"Are you raising children or tulips?"

The story is of a mom who had carefully planted and cultivated her tulip garden for a long time. It had taken her a lot of work to get the tulips to grow at all and they were finally flourishing. One day her four year old daughter and her little friend came inside with arms full of tulips they had picked, proudly announcing that they had picked them for her. They had picked every last one and the garden was in shambles. The mom was so sad and frustrated that all her hard work on the garden had been destroyed. Later she was talking to her own mom about how upset she was, throwing herself a pity party, when her mom simply said

"Well, it's a good thing you're raising children and not flowers."

That's the quote that came to my mind when I was feeling angry and so sorry for myself about losing my alone time. It helped me calm down and remember how precious PRECIOUS Audrey is to me, FAR more precious than sewing pillowcases or painting a picture- these are my TULIPS. These are good things, but they are not the most important things. I'm raising children not tulips. Even after bedtime, I'm still a mother first.

Things went better from there and soon I received another very tearful remorseful apology from her (which made me praise the Lord that He helped keep my temper, because I would've felt SO much regret right then if I had lost control at all), a hug, a kiss, one last tuck into bed, and a final goodnight.

I know Heavenly Father loves His children, including me. He helps me daily with these things and I'm so grateful to have a relationship with Him and with Jesus. Who love me and my family more than I can comprehend.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Thoughts for Sunday

Side By Side September 20, 2017 Elijah , future hillary 0 Comments

(Obviously this was supposed to be posted on Sunday! But still here it is)

1. A lot of Sundays we don't get too much out of church- HASHTAG PARENTHOOD. But the Spirit of God always still finds a way into our hearts during the week, at church or at home or at work. This week while chopping veggies for dinner I listened to the talk by Sister Reeves called "Protection from Pornography- a Christ Focused Home" and was struck anew by this scripture:

“We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, [and] we prophesy of Christ … that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” 2 Nephi 25:26

(from the talk) "How can we do this in our homes? Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

We were trying to do these things, but they were not always the priority and, amidst the chaos, were sometimes neglected. We changed our focus and tried not to worry about the less-important things. Our focus became to talk, rejoice, preach, and testify of Christ by striving to daily pray and study the scriptures and have weekly family home evening."

I'm going to strive to have us talk, preach, and prophesy of Christ more often, and especially openly rejoice in Christ more in our home. Because my kids need to know.

our comfy cozy messy-but-full-of-love home

2. Another day this week (while cleaning the bathroom) I listened to the talk "Where Your Treasure Is" by Elder Michael John U. Teh and heard the much needed reminder of

"Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Luke 12:34

It made me very reflective about what I treasure in life and made me wonder if my kids knew what I treasure. Like if they were asked would they say, "Mommy treasures uhh...her phone" or "her decorations" or "her computer." Do they know that it's them? That it's our family. That it's my faith. That it's our relationships with others. That it's their father. Do they know, do I show them? They are watching everything I do.

I want this scripture to be up in our home as a constant reminder to ask myself, "What am I treasuring today?"

3. I've noticed that in down times in my day, my eye wanders around the room searching for something to look at, something for my eyes to rest on. I look for comfort somewhere in the room. I guess I am a visual person, I LOVE artwork. Since I've noticed this I've been adamant about having a picture of Jesus in every room in our house. My eye wanders around and then rests on Him. I feel comfort in looking at Him and being reminded that He is always there.

in our living room

4. Sitting towards the back of the chapel today during sacrament meeting, I saw a little mother-son moment that I loved. This single mom in our ward and her teenage son. He said something to her, then she whispered in his ear and they both smiled and laughed a little, continued whispering for a minute, then she put her arm around him and rubbed his shoulder as they both listened to the speaker. It's just the two of them going through this life together right now. I looked down at my little son asleep in my arms and thought about him and all my hopes and dreams for his life and for our relationship. I'm grateful to have seen that little moment that they both have probably forgotten about now. I am so overwhelmingly inspired by small things and by good examples of what I hope my future will look like.

Goal this week- get outside every single day, away from home at least twice.

By the way my hearing is all back! I realized I never mentioned that big update. My life is different with hearing! I must sing praises to my Heavenly Father that it was just a temporary thing!

Friday, January 22, 2016

A dream out of a memory

Side By Side January 22, 2016 dreams , future hillary 0 Comments

I'm reading a book called Edenbrooke right now that I'v heard so much about from several people. The plot is interesting, but what is getting me more than anything in this book are the descriptions of the scenery...it's like straight out of Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility. I feel like I can hear the background music as I read about the light on the meadow and the windswept vistas with the beautiful views. This is my break time and I'm now spending daydreaming on the couch instead of doing dishes or even watching one of my shows. It's okay though, because I believe that everyone needs times like these, and I'd venture to say stay-at-home mothers especially.
It gets me thinking about a place I saw about 6 or 7 years ago that has always stuck in my mind as my ultimate dream home. It was somewhere on the way to Idaho from Utah- I'm not even sure which of those states it's actually in- and we went there to get my sister Julia's wedding dress altered. There was a lady out there who was either the only one or one of only a few people who did custom alterations on the specific type of dress Julia had gotten. So we got some of our friends, piled into our friend's car with the subwoofers (everyone's favorite of all each other's cars), and rode the 3 hours talking, laughing, singing, hanging out, rocking out, thugging out to loud music like we always did. In those days a 3 hour ride was no inconvenience if we were with our friends. We'd just be doing the same things in our apartments anyway so the time flew by. I remember that the directions were a little difficult once we realized we should probably start figuring out where exactly we were going and I think we even got little stuck in some mud somewhere along the way. But it was worth it for Julia's dress and for the sight of this place that is forever fixed in my brain. We saw it from a distance at first because there was a large American flag hanging on the porch. We didn't know that it was where we were going so we (actually I think just me) oohed and ahhed over it as we drew nearer, thinking we were going past it. Then when I realized there was nothing else around anywhere, I decided that wedding dress altering was going to be my new career!
In my memory the house a like a large but elegant country farmhouse set against a back drop of rolling green hills. It was my most favorite time of day, early evening right when the sun was starting to go down and it's orange glow was cast on everything in sight. It was cool outside and there was still snow on the ground scattered across the fields stretching on all sides of the house. There was a wrap around porch with rocking chairs, a giant shade tree with a swing, and fields and fields of beautiful sun kissed land.
We were able to spend a good amount of time there for the lady to measure Julia for the alterations, and oh how I enjoyed every second of it! What we saw of the house was homey and comfortable, very big but not opulent or too excessive. I was dying to go exploring through the house, but I figured that'd be rude because this was this lady's home not just her place of business. She had already opened it up to us who were probably not her usual type of visitors- little college kids in jeans and t-shirts who had all wanted to come along for the ride. We came back several weeks later to pick up the dress and that was the last I saw of this beautiful place.
I guess I want to be a country girl. I grew up in the small city of Daly City right next to the ocean, beaches and cliffs only about 2 blocks away. I wouldn't trade the home of my childhood for anything. But sometimes (when I'm not dreaming about my childhood home as the ideal place to live forever) I dream of our future home with wide open fields, green and brown hills, orchards, forests and streams. A place where my kids can run far and still be in sight of the house. A place where we can sit outside with a book for a long time, a place where I can pursue gardening, where we can have backyard parties with lights. I think it has all come from Anne of Green Gables, Avonlea, and Jane Austen.
Who knows where we will settle in the long run? We may not fulfill all of these dreams of mine and I will always know that I have the most important things. But it's always good to dream. I dreamed these guys up and they came true, so who knows?

avonlea, anne, sense and sensibility houses

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Journal, Memoir, and Seaside Dream

Side By Side January 21, 2016 future hillary , Journal Moments 1 Comments

So I'm trying to decide how real I want to get on this blog. I always say that I guess and I think it's because I write faithfully in my journal to get things out, good and bad, but sometimes my journal is too private for the great things that happen to me. So I want to tell people about them without actually telling them and without telling absolutely everybody. Because these are important private things...but there has gotta be something in between private and public...and I guess this blog is it for me. It's like, if you take the time to read it then I am humbled by your attention and am happy to share these things with you. If you don't then that's totally fine- the feeling is mutual I guess. If you don't want to read it then I don't want you to read it, you know? Mostly it's because I want to tell my family. So here goes.

I've been going through some depression of late. It's private, it's personal, it's confusing. There are several different factors, some of them being Menieres and the difficulties we've encountered this year, as well as deeper things like self esteem issues and anxiety. And Andrew and I have found someone to talk to about it. Andrew is sticking with me through it all, despite this being his last and busiest semester. He is always there for me. Marriage has not always been what I expected, but it has been more fulfilling than I could ever have imagined. It is definitely worth everything it costs. And more.

So when I get to this point of wanting to share something private on here it's usually because it's a good thing and it deserves to be shared. This time is no different. I had a good moment, a really really good moment that I need to remember. And I need to tell my mom about it on here. Here is my journal entry from today:

Jan 21

· I had a long overdue moment last night when I got up to read because I couldn’t sleep (this has led me to the goal to turn off the tv by 9 or 9:30 and read for the rest of the time until bedtime. Hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep easier and not feel so unsettled). The moment was with 3 books: my mom’s Hillary journal, my grandpa’s memoir, and a children’s book called Seaside Dream. The 3 of these together helped me to find myself again so to speak. I really do feel like I’ve lost myself. That’s what this depression has done to me in one way. I feel like a different person. I didn’t realize how much until I was with these books. As I read and teared up with each book about different things I felt like I was somehow opened up again and myself came rushing back into my heart. I read of my mom’s love for me as a child, teenager, and adult and that was defining. Silly stories about little toddler Hillary and then thinking about my little toddler Audrey and my baby Hannah. It then made me think of my love for my daughters, seeing myself as their loving mother, seeing myself as they see me and that was defining. I read Seaside Dream which took me to the ocean which was defining because it’s a part of me, my whole childhood played out by the sea. It was about a little Polynesian girl and her Polynesian grandma and their special relationship. I felt deeply of my relationship with my Grandma Chandler and what her love has meant to me the last little while and that was defining. But also from this book, the girl looking a little bit like I did when I was young, I felt love for my Polynesian heritage, pride in my body type, peacefulness and love for who I am soul AND body. Thinking about my Grandma Hanaike. Wanting so desperately to know more about her life. Love for those who came before me. Love for family history. Happiness in knowing that my body right now is a source of comfort for my girls. To be cradled in and held. If I’m large and soft and squishy and untoned, then all the better to be hugged by. All of this was defining. And then Grandpa’s book felt comfortable and familiar. In it an example of a strong woman- Grandma Chandler as a young mother getting it all done. Reading about how their life played out when Andrew and I are right here snack dab in the middle of ours, dealing with things they dealt with and loving the way that they loved, and looking forward to the future the way they did. And I am a part of that future they looked forward to. And that was defining.

So…I found myself. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops singing a song at the top of my lungs. I feel like squeezing my girls as tight as I can and I feel like writing a whole journal for each of them right now about how much I love them and always will, telling them all the things my mom told me last night in that journal. And all the things Grandpa told me in his book. And all the things the author told me from that children’s book. And all the things Heavenly Father told me when he combined those 3 books as I sat on the couch in a blanket at midnight and made me that moment. Now, today the next day, I’ve had a peaceful nap time of theirs, cleaning and cool air coming in our windows and Anne and Lucy on the TV and feeling real happiness again, contented and relaxed loving of my life, and actually NOT worrying about the feeling passing too quickly, as I always do. And I haven’t felt this in such a long long time.

I know that this doesn't mean that I'm all better and I'm not expecting this to be this big permanent turn around. But I know that in the middle of difficulties there are little patches of light as we go through them and this was one of those for me. And I have faith that they will continue to come every now and then to keep hope alive. Lead, kindly light, lead thou me on!

Monday, November 17, 2014

My Little Girls

Side By Side November 17, 2014 Audrey-isms , Baby #2 0 Comments

The other day I was having quite an emotional moment. I was sitting on the floor in the our bedroom leaning against our bed having a good cry when my Audrey walks in, puts her hand on my cheek, and leans down to smile at me. She then gave me kiss after kiss and hug after hug. This only made me cry more which probably confused her. She then walked out of the room on her teeny tiny legs and I stayed where I was trying to pull myself together and get on with the day. Moments later I heard a strange sound from the other room, and looked up to see my sweet girl dragging her box of stuffed animals into our bedroom. She brought it right near me, reached in and handed me her little stuffed monkey. Then reached in again and handed me a doll. Then a bunny. Minnie Mouse. Ernie. Her favorite dog. She handed me as many stuffed animals as I could hold. Then just hung out with me in the room until I was ready to keep going.

Im sitting here getting all teared up as I type this. Because I just love that girl so much. So so much. She means everything to me. She is such an individual, so feisty and spunky, but also so very very kind and loving and sweet. I want her to know so many things about how I feel about her. Since then there have been other moments of her comforting me and just showing me such love that only a child can give.

So now this entry will serve as a reminder for me when things are hard and scary and overwhelming when this new baby of ours comes. Audrey's first year of life was SO hard. And yet she is the kid who makes me want to have more kids. Because it was also SO wonderful. It's like she's always been with us. That's how it will be with this new baby girl. I am still nervous about so many things about life with two kids, but I want her so bad. I want my new little girl, she has always been a part of me, and I long to meet her finally and feel that life is that much more complete, I am that much more fulfilled. Someday soon we won't even be able to remember her not being here.

a few days old

now

To love and be loved. By family, by friends. A parent, a sibling, a significant other, children, cousins, close friends. There just nothing else in this life that compares. To me there is nothing more important, or more wonderful.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Personal hard time update

Side By Side November 15, 2014 future hillary , goals 0 Comments

A lengthy little update about my recent personal hard time post on here.
I have been feeling significantly better lately, emotionally. Physically, it's all kind of the same, with a few more fun pregnancy things being added all the time. But recently I've discovered a few things about my emotional state.

The things that seemed to be behind my 'depression' were/are (when I let it get to me):

dwelling on the state of our messy house
having a REALLY hard time feeding both me and Audrey consistently (the eating healthy goal has gone out the window for the duration of the pregnancy…which is ironic because this is the time when it's most important. The doctors reassure me not to worry about that and just focus on keeping food- any food- in my stomach always. But it hasn't been as easy as it sounds.)
spending too much time 'not wanting to bother someone.' Feeling the need to deal with all of this myself, and not 'air my dirty laundry' to people outside my family. Feeling insecure about asking people to hang out too often in case they're busy or sick of me.

Mind over matter is what I have to remember with many of these things. Finding ways to cope and function and REMEMBERING them and sticking with them consistently.

The things that have helped most with the possible 'pre-partum depression' issue are:

weather- this is kind of a sad one I think because it's not something I can control. I'm one of those few people in the world who prefers winter over summer. Yes…OVER summer. It's not just that I welcome it when I'm sick of the heat…I'm just always sick of the heat. I don't do well in it at all, I feel much less functional. It got cold really abruptly here in Provo this year and ever since I have been feeling sooooo happy. Audrey and I may be getting outside a little too often lately and I really need to pay more attention to her little rudolph red nose.
social interaction- I have friends and I need to remember that. The way I need to remember it is to put myself out there, plan things, and give myself some company. One of the main things about this is that it helps me pass the time more easily till Andrew gets home. If I am spending all day every day trying to keep up on housework and not letting myself do anything 'fun' until the house is spotless…well then I find myself in the sad place I was in those few weeks ago. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by girls here who are dealing with a lot of the same things I am…but I don't ever realize it until I open up to them about what I'm going through. There are kindred spirits to be found anywhere.
exercise- Yoga and walking. Nothing more than that. It's not major, but it's taught me that endorphins are definitely a real thing. It all started when my friend Hillary (who is also pregnant) invited me to go for a longer than I normally would walk with her one day. That was kind of the big turning point in all this. Coming home from that walk I had goals I wanted to set because I felt so good.

The goals are:

to be outside everyday (when reasonable, weather permitting)- I love being outside, I love nature, and I really miss walking to and from school everyday, having that mandatory outside time. Audrey enjoys it so much too, so I want to do it for both of us. Sunlight definitely makes such a difference in how a person feels, so I want to get back to being a family who spends a significant amount of time outside.
to build up stamina- regarding dizziness, heart rate, and just being able to handle more exercise little by little. I have been avoiding long walks since being diagnosed with Menieres because there is a certain point where I get dizzy being outside. I want to build up my ability to stay out longer and longer, especially so that hopefully post-pregnancy I can have relatively good exercise habits and be able to build from there. I want my head and my body to be able to handle camping and hiking better- things I know my Andrew loves and has given up a little bit for my sake.

So, there you are if you're interested. These are the answers I'm working with right now. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, but these answers are suiting me so far and he said we will just watch it and see how I'm feeling month to month. Food is still a battle, but we are all still alive so I guess that's something! Since these good changes, I've actually also been suddenly much more capable with meal planning than I ever have been before. I'm hoping it will all stick. All of these things. I know that Heavenly Father is helping me.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Another little thing for Future Hillary

Side By Side May 22, 2014 future hillary , Videos 0 Comments

Thursday, April 24, 2014

For future Hillary

Side By Side April 24, 2014 church , future hillary 0 Comments

This talk is what I needed right now and I have a feeling I will need it again someday. I've had so many testimony building moments recently. I know He is with me. He reaches out to me constantly in such small ways. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They always know what I need.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/fear-not-i-am-with-thee?lang=eng&media=audio#listen=audio

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tender Mercies Always

Side By Side April 22, 2014 church , future hillary 0 Comments

I was feeling very very very down the other day. It was one of those days that I just felt like wouldn't get going, I felt bummed out by my appearance, and I was feeling SO indecisive about what Audrey and I should do for the day. I hate when I get indecisive like that…it really makes the day hard for me. When Audrey took her first nap of the day I came into the bedroom and said a good long prayer. I pray every day, but this one was different because it wasn't hurried like so many other times. I felt like I was really talking to my Heavenly Father, telling Him my sorrows and insecurities. It was so personal to me to feel that I could speak honestly about how I was feeling, without worries about what He would think of me. Maybe that sounds silly, but you know when you really want someone to talk to who will really understand what you're going through? And even when it's such a small, insignificant, and even silly thing to be so upset about, you know that they don't think you're silly at all. Sometimes that person has been my mom, most times it's been Andrew. And yesterday was a reminder that at all times that person can be Heavenly Father. Most times I feel like the things I worry about and struggle with are nothing compared to what others go through. But when I can remember that He doesn't think I'm silly or stupid even when I do, then I can always feel better. That's how it turned out yesterday. After praying, spending that real time with Heavenly Father, I was able to get up, shake off some of those insecurities, and get on with my day. And even later in the day when some of those feelings were creeping up on me again He sent me another help- in the form of Andrew coming home early. I love my God and my Savior. They know us individually and they will never dismiss our problems no matter how small and silly they may seem.

I loved this video so much. I saw it in the Relief Society Broadcast and watched it again today. It happened, of course, to be right when I needed it. I want to not forget about it, so I'm posting it here for future Hillary. Every once in awhile I get on here and look through my posts from previous years. I find so many reminders of things to be happy about. So this is for you, Hillary, and for my daughters and sisters and friends. As Mufasa says to Simba, "Remember who you are!" And remember who God is- our loving Father.