this beautiful life: Menieres

Showing posts with label Menieres. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Springtime Farm Trip

We think Spring is officially here!

And to celebrate today we went to Wheeler Farm, the kids and I!

I very surprisingly had some Menieres issues while we were there…I haven’t had any problems in such a long time. But a little bit after going on the wagon ride around the farm I was feeling dizzy and slightly nauseas. Menieres is so annoying (in many ways) because I cant even describe what I mean by dizzy. The dizziness is always different too. It’s not normal dizziness…this time it had nothing to do with my vision. It’s like something deep inside my head is dizzy and though im not seeing it, im feeling it, feeling a slight spinning deep inside my head. I think it was part wagon ride and part pushing a stroller on bumpy gravel for such a long time, the bouncing getting to me. I wish I had just carried Eli. But then I would’ve also had to have carried the diaper bag and the food bag we brought for lunch all while holding Audrey and Hannah’s hands at times so I probably would’ve tired quicker. I’m always discovering a new way to be dizzy it seems.

I was nervous to drive. I should’ve told our friends we were with, Maria and Lucinda and their kids, before they left just to be safe in case it got worse and I really couldn’t drive and we were stuck there….but I didn’t. It’s just so awkward. Because what would I be asking for? “Hey can you actually stay awhile longer till I feel better? It could be an hour or 3. Anybody’s guess.” I know they would’ve…everybody in the ward knows about it and everyone is super helpful and kind. But since it’s so hard to tell how it’s actually going from moment to moment, no warning of when it’s getting better or not, I hate asking people to do things like waiting for me when they were about to go home. It’s a time when I’d just rather struggle on my own and wait it out with hope.

(And Maria or Lucinda if you're reading this please don't feel bad!)

My kids are not going to notice these things for awhile I think, which is good. All they know is that we stayed an extra hour longer than everyone else in our group which they think is great!

Having this issue is hard and maybe that’s why Heavenly Father blessed me with such good kids in these situations. Hannah is difficult sometimes and Audrey is needy occasionally, but neither of them are destructive or oblivious or disobedient to the point that I’m worried about not being able to control them in a public place. When I’m having this kind of thing happen I know that they will stay with me as we walk from place to place. I know that they won’t go far away and I know that Audrey will be looking out for Hannah and Hannah will be staying close to either me or her, and that even if I cant see straight or take in everything, I know that if I tell them 'no' they will listen, however grumpily, and that when I call them they will come. I don’t think I ever realized what a blessing that is. I am so grateful that Audrey is able to be so responsible at such a young age, especially when she knows something is going on with me, she steps up.

We made it home in the end and to Costco even. Because I did just randomly feel all better an hour later.

Anyways,

the farm was such a fun time. I was reminded how much I love animals. There were adorable baby lambs and cute piglets and the best horses I’ve ever known. We were able to pet them and feed grass to the horses. My favorite thing about it was Hannah feeling so brave and happy being with them that she kept on picking handfuls of grass and feeding one horse over and over all by herself. She’s usually pretty wary of things, but she was so not in this! It was quite wonderful to me. She loves horses kind-of just because I have always told her dogs and horses were her favorite when she was a baby. But today made me feel so happy watching her with them and thinking she actually feels a special connection to them, not just to her play horses at home. As we were walking towards them and then again as we walked away from them she was talking about how they are her special special horses, so special to her, with a little hop skip and a jump and her hands clapped together and eyes all squinted with her smile!

And so then I start to dream about her future and that maybe she would like to work with animals and maybe we should foster that in her and give her opportunities for it and see where it leads. Like kids I knew growing up who would volunteer at the zoo. I really really really hope we can get a dog some day. I think Andrew will come around eventually. A dog and a turtle. And if only we lived near a farm and could take care of baby lambs and little piglets too!

We will definitely be going again sometime soon. I think we will be making this a Springtime tradition! With Andrew of course.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Giant Steps

Side By Side October 04, 2017 Elijah , Menieres 0 Comments

just for smiles

I've had Menieres Disease for about 5 years now. All 5 years have been all about learning about it and trying to figure out how to cope with it. Sometimes I feel like I've made no head way at all. But I know that I have.

I've learned that I have several different kinds of dizziness/vertigo episodes. One that I'm having today I like to call Giant Steps. I've come up with names for them so that Andrew can be aware of whats going on. He decides what to do/how to help based on what kind of episode I'm having.

Anyway, Giant Steps episode:

When I'm sitting down or not moving much everything is pretty normal. But when I walk around it's like one of those cartoons with a giant in it where the frame shakes with every step he takes. Even the smallest stupidest things shake my head when it's like this...seriously. Like if I have a tiny little burp! That's where the sense of humor has to come in. Cause how ridiculous is that?

I woke up like this today, that's what's going on right now. I find that usually with this one I'm still pretty able to walk around and do things which is wonderful. But for some reason with this type of episode my energy is immediately zapped, as if I just ran a marathon. So I keep going for a little while but eventually it turns into a movie day for us around here for as long as it persists.

This is so uncomfortable to deal with. BUT I would MUCH rather have this kind of episode than the spinning flipping roller coaster ones I sometimes have.

So even though all I can do right now is sit on the couch and try to eat energizing food, I'm grateful. Because I get to hold my sleeping baby. And watch TV with my girls. And slow down and feel more in touch with Heavenly Father as I pray silently and constantly that it will go away. And maybe I will feel better soon.

and this random cuteness to cheer me up!
my baby's curly cue belly button! we are just a curly family

Monday, September 4, 2017

Mean menieres and cute clothes

Side By Side September 04, 2017 church , Elijah 0 Comments

So, I tried to do a little work out tonight.

And it didn't work out!

Two reasons: 1. I'm out of shape (obviously) and 2. my head couldn't seem to handle it. I think I would've tried to push through more if it weren't for the second one.

My balance gets so so bad sometimes. But it's something no one can see, which for me, can make it harder to deal with.

I had a vertigo episode while I was up bearing my testimony at church yesterday. I was talking all animatedly and then I started spinning. I felt myself slump a little. I hesitated but then was able to continue talking as it ran it's course. Lately these episodes have been short ones so that is a major blessing. It was gone before I finished. I didn't panic because I was pretty sure it would be quick. I've also gotten so much better at handling the discomfort. I need to praise the Lord for that and be grateful for the good things. But the thing is I think no one had any idea it happened. In a way that's good. But it more so just makes me feel more embarrassed. About my sudden weird behavior, or about how much help I seem to need for no apparent reason.

But church was great. Most of the testimonies were about gratitude for what people in the ward have done for each other and the support that is there, mine included. I don't know how I would've gotten through the last months of pregnancy without those wonderful women who came to my aid, bringing meals, driving us places etc....

I have a testimony of the Gospel, but I also have a testimony of the Church, the organization of it, the purpose it serves, the friendship it brings. I'm so grateful to be a part of it, to partake of the blessings and then to have the chance to pay it forward in whatever small way I can.

On another note-

I love little boy things!

It's so fun to have both the boy and girl experience of parenting....starting with THE CLOTHES! We have two tiny newborn church onesies for our little man and a few little bowties and he is rocking them. THIS is truly a part of parenthood that fulfills childhood dreams- dressing my REAL ~~DOLLS~~ BABIES. I squeal with delight right along with my girls at his cuteness.

this is the cutest boy in the world

my two handsome guys!

those eyes looking up at me every day

and the girls could not be left out of course. (ps. andrew usually does their hair on sundays lately and i'm so proud. oh also, hannah is definitely wearing audrey's dress)

And on top of wearing cute clothes, our little Mister Charming here has been treating us to a few more smiles lately!

Again- impossible to stay sad when I have all of this.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Thoughts on quiet

Side By Side August 31, 2017 Journal Moments , Menieres 0 Comments

My nerves are a little bit on edge.

My head is rocking with every movement today.

I'm feeling anxious right now and I'm not sure why so I think I'll blog for a few minutes.

Yesterday morning I woke up to Eli tapping me. He was laying quietly next to me, wide awake looking around the room, his arms just moving around aimlessly. It was a nice way to wake up.

Sometimes all I want to do is sit here and hold a sleeping baby.

he always has one eye slightly open until he is completely asleep. it's kind of hilarious to me.

But, what to do with Audrey and Hannah? I try to save TV time for them for when I'm having an episode. As much as an emotional break is sometimes very necessary, I feel like it's a luxury I can't afford. I have to keep pushing through the emotional stuff because the physical stuff is so much more debilitating. Although emotions can be plenty debilitating too, can't they?

Some hours in the day are just weird and sucky.

On another note.

One thing that I've tried to be aware of ever since an episode of Northern Exposure pointed it out to me is the value of silence. In this episode the character Marilyn Whirlwind, who is a native Alaskan secretary for the New Yorker doctor, Joel Fleishman, who has come to the small town of Cicily Alaska, dares the doctor to spend 5 minutes without talking. She doesn't think he can do it. So, determined to prove her wrong, he indignantly accepts the dare and they sit across from each other in his office with the desk between them looking at each other in silence. He can't even make it one minute before he gets up angrily and starts talking about how dumb this is and how no one could do it with her staring at him like that.

Then another episode where Marilyn and Fleishman's mother have a similar experience together. In the end the mother goes for a walk by herself in silence. And experiences nature in a new way because of it.

I love this whole idea. Maybe because silence is a big part of life for me sometimes lately (hearing IS getting better though. Hopefully back to normal soon). Quiet is something much needed in everyones life these days. Just the fact that we need entertainment every second if the day. People can't even go the the bathroom without taking their phones to "kill time" while doing their business. We could all use a lot more just thinking time, mind wandering time. I imagine evenings back in the day, a mother sitting by the fire sewing, a father sitting with a book or something. Just quiet. And then bedtime. No wonder people slept better with an hour like that before bed.

Every day I'm kind of daring myself to go more than a few minutes without music on, or the TV, or talking. It's hard but I want it to be a skill my kids develop. The ability to have silence in their lives. Peacefulness. And being in touch with yourself and with the Spirit. And nature. I love being out in quiet nature.

This tiny treasure I found at DI is my little reminder in my kitchen.

"Make time for quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud."

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Food and crazy-makers

Side By Side August 30, 2017 Menieres , Motherhood 0 Comments

So my low-sodium food goal is going pretty well. I've made detailed meal plans for everyday including planning what snacks we'll have when and everything. It's been 3 days and I THINK it MIGHT possibly be helping with SOME of the daily dizziness. With Menieres it feels pretty impossible to tell sometimes. Hopefully long term will yield more definite results. Feels like a science experiment.

Yes, focusing on food is going really well. But unfortunately that means our house is a disaster area, every room. Since committing to this food goal, I feel like I'm always either making food or eating food or cleaning up food or feeding someone or planning the next meal of the day. There doesn't seem to be time for anything else, except diaper changes. Seriously, it's 3 pm and I'm still in my pajamas. How do you other moms do it? Suggestions?

I remember liking suggestions made in this book called "The Happiest Mom" I checked out from the library a few years ago while we were in Provo. "Addressing your crazy-makers" is the one from it that comes to mind. Choose one or two things, housecleaning tasks, that if it's not done drives you a little crazy, and do those things everyday. The author says that making her bed every morning made her whole day just feel smoother. I think for me it's surfaces- table and counters cleared, wiped, and clutter at least in neat piles (cause lets be real there's never not going to be clutter around here). If that happens my whole house feels ten times cleaner and more functional. For some women it could be a swept floor, or a clean living room, or toys under control.

Address your crazy-makers. Not the live ones running around your house naked because they just had their third accident of the day. The ones you can control. And then those other crazy-makers may not seem quite as crazy, because you can handle them better if certain things around the house are in working order.

I should get this book again.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

An exercise in happiness

Side By Side August 27, 2017 goals , Journal Moments 2 Comments

My exercise in happiness: I'm going to try to blog once a week.

With a new baby, two other kids to take care of, having Menieres issues, being homebound, lack of sleep, and recently experiencing more hearing loss- I feel like I am sometimes teetering on the edge of that depression cliff. So in an attempt to do battle with this feeling and stay on the TOP of the cliff, I've made this goal for blogging, because blogging always makes me happy. I've recently been reading some of Stephanie Nielson's blog posts (nieniedialogues.com) from during her recovery from her plane crash. Hers and other mom blogs I read sometimes have inspired me. I notice a pattern- the blogs I love and enjoy reading seem to be the ones where people are celebrating their lives. There are hard things in their lives, and they're not ignoring them, but they are focusing on the good things going on at the same time. My mom, my sister Julia, my friend Olivia, and Stephanie Nielson- these are some women who seem to do that. Right now Stephanie's blog is helping me particularly to be okay with writing about what I'm actually going through with Menieres, like how she wrote honestly about her recovery. So my blog wont be all celebratory. But it will help me have a release I hope and feel like I have a support system out there because people are actually understanding how hard things are sometimes. Meneires and hearing loss from it have made me feel more and more isolated a little at a time. So maybe if I write about it I will feel less alone in it. And I always feel happier when I blog!

one of those late nights...or early mornings. i don't know anymore!

I want to be a little more oblivious to the bad things in life, like my sister Samantha is sometimes. Because I usually do the opposite...I dwell on them. Samantha is one of the happiest people I've ever known. I want to be like her.

if my kids grow up to be half as happy as samantha, i think ill be satisfied with my parenting job

samantha on a picnic, a block our house in california. this picture captures perfectly why i ache with homesickness all the time. this is my happy place, a perfect day.

Right now the stupidest thing going on for me is this sudden dramatic hearing loss. I'm frustrated and discouraged by it, because everyone and everything sounds very far away and muffled and I have to say what about 20 times in one conversation. I had two ear infections last week out of the blue and it messed with my hearing in both my good ear and my bad one. It is VERY disorienting to lose one of your senses! Eli and I made our debut at church today and I had some uh...communication issues that led to a few misunderstandings- the kind where someone asks me a question and I laugh assuming they just said something funny and then we look at each other confused for a split second and then one of us politely escapes. Things like that. That's already kinda been a part of my life, but today it was getting ridiculous. It was good to have the mother's room all to myself during Sunday School so I could just sit in my silence and not have to strain to hear anyone or worry about awkwardness. Just me and Eli, no one else to worry about, nothing else to hear. Although I did very faintly hear what sounded like ukulele music that I still have no idea where it was coming from....or if it even existed. I get discouraged, but stuff like that it's fun to just laugh at myself.

Anyways, I've had the lovely Helen Keller on my mind lately because of all this. I happened to pick up the movie The Miracle Worker from the library a few days before the ear infections. I put it on one early morning after the hearing loss came when I was feeling emotional with discouragement. It was very helpful and hopeful. I'm having a really hard time with (what I hope is temporary) deafness and I am so in awe of someone who goes through life without sight as well. I feel like right now I'm living in a world of almost silence- I'm zoned out a lot and just in my own head so much because nothing else can get in (except tinnitus of course. Lots and lots of tinnitus)! I can't imagine being in a world of silence AND darkness. And somehow still being able to thrive as much as Helen Keller did. I'm going to try and learn more about her and read her books. I want to know how she found such success and happiness in the silent and dark world she lived in.

I don't always do very well with goals, so hopefully this time I can be persistent with myself to make it happen. Once a week is realistic, I hope, and although it make take me several days to write one little post (Menieres affects my screen time abilities) I will try my hardest to make it happen. I've talked to Andrew about my goal and he is all prepared to help me make it happen by helping me have time to do it. I love him a lot.

My goal this week: focus on food. Pursuing natural and low-sodium everything to see if it helps reduce the hearing loss, tinnitus, and short but frequent vertigo episodes . We bought a lot of fruits and veggies for this. Snacking and convenience are my downfalls. I've got to prepare snacks ahead and have this be my main goal this week, one day at a time. If I try to pursue anything else along with this I know I won't stay on top of it. We'll see how it goes!

During a vertigo episode I find myself saying, "I hate my life." But thats not true at all. I hate my Menieres life. But I love my everything else life. Especially my MOM LIFE.

this is why if i'm ever sad i need to remember to look at my blog. cause how could anyone stay sad when they see pictures of this little face??? it's impossible.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

A much needed update- 2017 so far

Side By Side May 11, 2017 Arizona , cousins 1 Comments

It'll be tough to choose pictures for this blog post because there are literally more than a thousand between now and the last time I posted. I'm sad that I've missed blogging about all the adorable things my girls have been saying and doing the past several months. Most of the funny little sayings they had or cute habits they were in have already come and gone. I wish I could record every moment.

I really can't believe it's been so long since I blogged last! As most people know we've had a new development for our family and we couldn't be happier!!! Although we could all do without the nausea, vomiting, headaches, vertigo, and just general discomfort. But it does mean the girls get to watch A LOT of movies so in some ways they're fine with me being sick all the time. Those jerks. Just kidding, just kidding. They've actually been really helpful in their own little ways. Audrey is helpful deliberately- bringing me saltines, getting things for Hannah, putting on movies I tell her to. And Hannah is helpful in how independent she is and how good she is at entertaining herself for long periods of time- which is one of the most helpful things that could ever ever ever happen during pregnancy. This has never been Audrey's strong point and being deliberately helpful is not Hannah's, so we've got a good little system going here right now. It all seems to work and for some strange reason they really don't seem to mind watching about 90 movies every week. Sometimes. (Slight exaggeration there...it's probably about 4 or 5 movies a week.)

one of our announcement attempts

baby brother dobbins!

This pregnancy started out even harder than the others. Every hard thing about pregnancy that I had felt prepared to experience over the 9 months- nausea and vomiting, Menieres episodes, migraines...- all happened at once right at the beginning. Also an immediate and constant battle with food. I learn more and more about Menieres as the years go on and this time around I've learned that if I don't eat, if I get anywhere near an empty stomach, I'm 100 times more likely to have a vertigo episode. All you women who have had kids know how impossible it seems to keep yourself full during pregnancy. And I feel so much panic when I feel myself getting close to an empty stomach (which is about every hour or less) and it seems impossible to take the time to make something good to eat so I end up eating crappy food just to fill up and then I feel crappy because of it- so it's just this vicious cycle that I can't get out of! Any suggestions or tips on this subject are very welcomed! I've tried protein shakes and things like that. But I don't know many other techniques to try and keep full and energized. I've pretty much given up on the energy thing though.

Our ward and neighbors here have been great and have recently become even more amazing and helpful. The vertigo gets so much more frequent during pregnancy and I've been sinking lower and lower emotionally because of it. I've learned that a lot of people with Menieres also suffer from depression. I definitely understand this. It's hard to tell sometimes if I'm just pregnancy emotional or if it's something more. It's really hard to take care of my family sometimes. And that's where my church friends have stepped up in an amazing way. They have taken to bringing meals, running errands for me, babysitting, taking me to appointments and grocery shopping (because of the frequency of vertigo episodes I'm terrified to drive anywhere right now), calling and texting randomly to ask how we're doing every day. And more. I'm emotional just thinking about it as I type this- happy emotional, grateful emotional. And these are women who have kids of their own to take care of and things to do. It's such true Christianity. They're all walking the walk, not just talking the talk, of being a true disciple of Christ, without even thinking twice about it. I can't possibly express the depth of my gratitude for how they are taking care of me and my family when I'm not as able to as I want to be. I have so many feelings about it I wish I could express. It's so hard being away from my family sometimes, and so it means a lot to have people I know I can rely on, without a doubt. It gives me back a little bit of the peace that I feel like this illness has taken from me. I could go on and on about these amazing women. I'm so grateful to be a member of this Church, I don't know how I'd get along without it.

We've been thinking about our little boy non-stop. Audrey and Hannah have taken to calling him Baby Brober- even though they can both say "brother" perfectly well...I think it's their way of baby talking to him. Audrey especially is very attentive to him. She loves to kiss my tummy and talk to him and tell everybody about him. She's very interested in everything about it. She sometimes brings me this magazine we have with the 3D images and detailed pictures of what the baby looks like at each stage of development inside the stomach. She's not weirded out at all, just fascinated, and still saying how cute the babies are (even when they just look like little aliens)! She has such an amazing sweetness about her that I can't ever get over.
Hannah is a little in denial about Baby Brother- sometimes she's being all sweet along with Audrey and other times she's yelling "NO!" at any mention of him or of Mama being sick or if we dare say the words "BIG SISTER" to her. She's a funny kid. I know she'll be okay once he's here. She's very resilient, independent, and determined. She'll be the big sister yelling at the bigger kids to, "LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE!!" She's already been that for Audrey sometimes. We watched that movie about a horse called Spirit recently. And I've decided that's kind of who Hannah is. At the end the guy calls the horse "Spirit...Who Could Not Be Broken." That's Hannah. She feisty. I'm proud to call her mine.

So here are pictures of our life the past several months- very few pictures compared to how many hundreds there are. Some of our favorite things this new year so far have been family coming to visit, accompanying Andrew on his work trip to Arizona, and finding out the gender! Although it's been difficult in some ways, 2017 has been good to us so far for the most part! We're still here.

aprons i made for christmas presents. i felt pretty good about them!

mermaid tail blankets! christmas presents from hanaikes. they want to wear them all the time!

look how deep that snow is on hannah! she could barely walk

audrey and andrew playing in our snowy backyard. we had some more snow pictures i just need to find them!

we just transitioned hannah to a toddler bed last week.
sadly she falls out a lot....she's obviously used to something being
there to stop her

our brief ER stay for hannah's stomach issues

pictures during sacrament meeting are probably frowned upon, but this is one of my favorites of these two. he's the best dad to these girls.

in arizona hannah started getting creative with her yoga/dance moves. she would do this position...and then just stay like that for several seconds before striking another interpretive pose. it was pretty hilarious and adorable.

hannah randomly asked to sit with ray
and then sat there like this for a little while,
looking kind of nervous excited. But not moving at all!

these two peas in a pod/troublemakers.
this was the day they decided to decorate the playhouse- with popcorn.

sunsets are just great anywhere aren't they?

at a dobbins family get together andrew's grandma was giving out rides on her walker! our girls each got a little moment of individual time with her that they will probably not have very much of throughout life. so it was really cute and special.

hannah's turn!

the day hannah found a sharpie. i turned the camera
so she could see herself as i took the pictures.
i love the sequence of expressions as she
realizes what she's done! first she's cheesing,
all ready and willing to be in a picture

then she sees it

tries to wipe it off

then just stares at herself wondering what could've gone wrong.
i was cracking up as i was taking these.

oh how we loved being in a non-snowy place for a little while. we tried to get out and enjoy the weather every chance we got

ray came home for lunch one day and
made himself a steak. it was pretty great hearing
hadley explaining to audrey where steak comes from!
i thought audrey would be a little
apprehensive about it after their little conversation,
she wasn't at all and later was telling me
that cows taste really good!

hannah was into pretty quickly too

then ray had three little lunch companions
hovering around him until the steak was completely gone,
one tiny bite after another. i think he got some too...but i can't be sure.

hannah and shelby- i wish i had more pictures of shelby.
her and hannah were definitely frenemies- with a little more
emphasis on the enemies side. that'll change soon enough.

quick visit to the hoover dam!

here's a lovely picture of the back of andrew's
head as he kind of geeked-out about the dam- he was just born to be an engineer.

on our way home again

this is them laughing or yelling or something with auntie sam on FaceTime! as you can she, she was very entertaining

hannah and this dog. best friends forever.

a view near our apartment. we like where we live.

we took a picture together right here right
after andrew's mission when we were both still
nervous and excited around each other and
hoping things would work out. 6 years and almost 3 kids
later....i think they did.

i can't even think of a caption for this one.
all i can do is laugh when i look at it. s
he's always trying to make me laugh...and she usually succeeds.

hannah wearing my vintage baby dress from when i was a baby
one more time before we pack it away.
it completely showed her diapered bum
but fit perfectly in the arms and waist.
my kids definitely have got some dobbins genes in them.

for some reason she thought this was
the funniest thing in life- snow on a pinecone.
she kept dipping it in the snow and then showing it to me as
she just laughed and laughed. what about it was so funny? i have no idea.
sometimes i wish i could have the mind and eyes of a child.

they work so hard everyday. it's tough being a kid. us moms have the easy job, i guess. 😆😆

Part of the problem with Menieres right now is screen time. It helps the vertigo along sometimes and causes a lot of general dizziness. So while I would love to say that I'll be blogging more often, I honestly probably won't be. Sadly. It takes me a long time to write a post (this one took a month or two), so we will just have to see how often I commit to doing it. But I want to post pictures!!!!! So maybe I will have more posts of just pictures for a little while. We'll see.

I love my growing little family.