My nerves are a little bit on edge.  

My head is rocking with every movement today.

I'm feeling anxious right now and I'm not sure why so I think I'll blog for a few minutes. 

Yesterday morning I woke up to Eli tapping me.  He was laying quietly next to me, wide awake looking around the room, his arms just moving around aimlessly.  It was a nice way to wake up.

Sometimes all I want to do is sit here and hold a sleeping baby.  

But, what to do with Audrey and Hannah? I try to save TV time for them for when I'm having an episode.  As much as an emotional break is sometimes very necessary, I feel like it's a luxury I can't afford.  I have to keep pushing through the emotional stuff because the physical stuff is so much more debilitating.  Although emotions can be plenty debilitating too, can't they?  

Some hours in the day are just weird and sucky.  

On another note.

One thing that I've tried to be aware of ever since an episode of Northern Exposure pointed it out to me is the value of silence.  In this episode the character Marilyn Whirlwind, who is a native Alaskan secretary for the New Yorker doctor, Joel Fleishman, who has come to the small town of Cicily Alaska, dares the doctor to spend 5 minutes without talking.  She doesn't think he can do it.  So, determined to prove her wrong, he indignantly accepts the dare and they sit across from each other in his office with the desk between them looking at each other in silence.  He can't even make it one minute before he gets up angrily and starts talking about how dumb this is and how no one could do it with her staring at him like that.  

Then another episode where Marilyn and Fleishman's mother have a similar experience together.  In the end the mother goes for a walk by herself in silence.  And experiences nature in a new way because of it.  

I love this whole idea.  Maybe because silence is a big part of life for me sometimes lately (hearing IS getting better though.  Hopefully back to normal soon).  Quiet is something much needed in everyones life these days.  Just the fact that we need entertainment every second if the day.  People can't even go the the bathroom without taking their phones to "kill time" while doing their business.  We could all use a lot more just thinking time, mind wandering time.  I imagine evenings back in the day, a mother sitting by the fire sewing, a father sitting with a book or something.  Just quiet.  And then bedtime.  No wonder people slept better with an hour like that before bed.

Every day I'm kind of daring myself to go more than a few minutes without music on, or the TV, or talking.  It's hard but I want it to be a skill my kids develop.  The ability to have silence in their lives.  Peacefulness.  And being in touch with yourself and with the Spirit.  And nature.  I love being out in quiet nature.

This tiny treasure I found at DI is my little reminder in my kitchen. 

"Make time for quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud."

So my low-sodium food goal is going pretty well.  I've made detailed meal plans for everyday including planning what snacks we'll have when and everything.  It's been 3 days and I THINK it MIGHT possibly be helping with SOME of the daily dizziness.  With Menieres it feels pretty impossible to tell sometimes.  Hopefully long term will yield more definite results.  Feels like a science experiment.  

Yes, focusing on food is going really well.  But unfortunately that means our house is a disaster area, every room.  Since committing to this food goal, I feel like I'm always either making food or eating food or cleaning up food or feeding someone or planning the next meal of the day.  There doesn't seem to be time for anything else, except diaper changes.  Seriously, it's 3 pm and I'm still in my pajamas.  How do you other moms do it?  Suggestions?  

I remember liking suggestions made in this book called "The Happiest Mom" I checked out from the library a few years ago while we were in Provo.  "Addressing your crazy-makers" is the one from it that comes to mind.  Choose one or two things, housecleaning tasks, that if it's not done drives you a little crazy, and do those things everyday.  The author says that making her bed every morning made her whole day just feel smoother.  I think for me it's surfaces- table and counters cleared, wiped, and clutter at least in neat piles (cause lets be real there's never not going to be clutter around here).  If that happens my whole house feels ten times cleaner and more functional.  For some women it could be a swept floor, or a clean living room, or toys under control.  

Address your crazy-makers.  Not the live ones running around your house naked because they just had their third accident of the day.  The ones you can control.  And then those other crazy-makers may not seem quite as crazy, because you can handle them better if certain things around the house are in working order.  

I should get this book again.

Her 4th birthday was a few weeks ago, so here is a special story as my little tribute to my sweet loving first born baby, Audrey Kealana (or as she thinks her name is, Audrey Kealana Dear).

We were sitting on the couch together today a little bit before Daddy came home, having a cuddle and singing random songs, when I had one of the sweetest little moments of my parenting life so far with my Audrey.  Minutes before this little moment we had been being crazy and silly.  Then Hannah had gone off to play, Elijah had fallen asleep, and Audrey and I had all the cuddling to ourselves for a bit.  I started telling her about a song that I used to sing to her when she was a baby, a song I had purposely taken the time to learn before I was ever even pregnant with any of them, with the thought that I would sing it to my babies someday.  It's the song "Goodnight My Angel" by Billy Joel, the version I learned being a cover by the group Celtic Woman.  So I started singing it trying to remember it all and being kinda silly with the parts I didn't remember.  Halfway through I looked over at Audrey's face and was surprised to see tears in her eyes!  I asked why she was crying.  Her cute little face scrunched up in emotion, tears streaming down, her voice slightly squeaking she said "Because I just miss that song so much."

She has always had such a talent with melting hearts.  

I was so surprised at how real her emotion was that at first I kind of laughed at her adorable-ness but I was also bewildered, touched, and slightly speechless!  I just like...really didn't know what to say!  My heart melting down to butter, I held her in a hug and wiped her tears, asking her things like "what do you mean?" and such.  She told me, as she continued to cry, about how she just loves that song and our family so much.  And she kept saying she missed that song.  We finished the song because she asked me too.  Then after trying to take advantage of a spiritual teaching opportunity, which I'll keep sacred between me and her, I promised her we would sing it any time she wanted, every day even.  I said I loved her which sparked her emotion again (and by now I was all teary of course too) and she closed her eyes so tight and said, "I know you do."  

I'm emotional writing this.  Because this girl, though she is so adorably dramatic sometimes, I know that she feels things so deeply and is so emotionally mature for her age a lot of times.  I feel so blessed that she's mine.

I think she is missing being the baby sometimes.  Missing the attention, things like being rocked to sleep.  But she rarely shows it.  She has always been so in love with being a big sister and has never had a problem sharing, both of which I have always been SO SO grateful for.  But maybe more often I need to single her out, not just as a good big sister, but as one of my unconditionally loved babies.  I don't think we've been too bad at this in her life so far.  But, oh, how terribly I want them each to know how deeply loved and adored they are and always will be.  I hope they never doubt it.  She is my sweetheart and my kindred spirit, especially emotionally.  That song is much more special now.  I feel certain that Heavenly Father for some reason sent one of his sweetest spirits to Andrew and I.

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Happy birthday my big 4 year old girl!
You can stop growing now!

I'm altering my goal to this: 

I'm going to blog AT LEAST once a week.

Cause all day today I was noticing so many more great moments than I usually do other days.  All because of being on the lookout for things to blog about.  

Like baby hugs

And all around it was just a pretty good day.  So I felt the need to blog.

I got to do some reading while nursing Eli and while the girls played on their own.  I love these books my Camille Fronk Olsen about women in the Bible.  They give a lot of historical context for the stories while still keeping them spiritual and reverent. Today I read about Mary Magdalene and felt so inspired by her devotion to our Savior.  I can't express fully how much I love learning about strong women of faith.  It's become a HUGE part of my testimony.  I wish I had the time and ability to write here all my thoughts and feelings about each of the women I read about.  I always feel like I'm gaining a friend as I read their stories and identify with or am inspired by them.  I work with the Young Women in our church and I'm always trying to point them to these kinds of women as role models.  I highly recommend these books.  They also speak to another part of my heart with the beautiful artwork.  Often looking at a religious painting builds my testimony as much as, or honestly sometimes more than, a talk or scripture.

My baby Eli boy is possibly my snuggliest baby so far and it just lights up my whole world.  He is SO CLOSE to smiling now (although in pictures he's usually muggin).  And he has officially outgrown at least one or two of his newborn outfits.  This is a big deal because my girls had newborn size clothes in their drawers for about 8 months or so.  I'm loving cuddles with this chubby baby.  Time is going way too fast!

After going for a walk with our friend Brynn and playing out back with our new neighbor friends, we ended the day with a dance party in our tiny kitchen while I was trying to make dinner.  And my parents and siblings can attest- our kitchen is TINY.  
Because of this, dinner took like an hour to make and kids were late to bed.  But it was okay.  Sometimes you really CANT STOP THE FEELING.  When the music comes on my kids can't help themselves.  And neither can Andrew and I!

At the end of the day, before Andrew got home (the last hour is the hardest), all the little people were cranky and getting upset about something or other so we all ended up on the couch, each of them in their own blankets, having ourselves a good big cuddle.  They all ended up about halfway on my lap too.  Instead of getting grumpy about it myself and mourning the loss of personal space for the rest of my life- I decided to take a picture.  And now it's one my favorites of all time.  

MOM LIFE. 

Good days with this little crew of mine!