this beautiful life: Jesus Christ

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Wednesday, October 18, 2017

TULIPS

Tonight Audrey had a big screaming fit after bedtime. She had gotten up to use the bathroom and decided to play in there instead of going back to bed afterwards. It escalated quickly between me and her and soon she had lost it and I was trying hard not to lose it myself. I was having trouble controlling my temper.

That is just the worst feeling. To feel SO much anger towards this little person who I love and adore so much. I always feel somewhere between sobbing my heart out and kicking and screaming myself. I know she's just still learning how to have self control. But in the moment sometimes you just feel like they should know better than this- that she SHOULD have the maturity to deal with this frustration without such a tantrum. But then I remember that she doesn't yet. She's only four.

Anyways, in these moments I launch into an automatic, almost mindless prayer in my head. "Help me calm down Heavenly Father, help me be the adult here, help me know what to do." And help does come. This time it came from a memory of an Ensign article I read once upon a time.

One of the main reasons I was so upset with her in this moment was because this whole ordeal was eating up my precious PRECIOUS alone time this evening. Even Eli was asleep already and I was having a wonderful chance to get some things done. Until this. I honestly don't think I would've been half as upset if it had been during the day. I realized that I was feeling pretty resentful towards her. Then a question came to my head from this article

"Are you raising children or tulips?"

The story is of a mom who had carefully planted and cultivated her tulip garden for a long time. It had taken her a lot of work to get the tulips to grow at all and they were finally flourishing. One day her four year old daughter and her little friend came inside with arms full of tulips they had picked, proudly announcing that they had picked them for her. They had picked every last one and the garden was in shambles. The mom was so sad and frustrated that all her hard work on the garden had been destroyed. Later she was talking to her own mom about how upset she was, throwing herself a pity party, when her mom simply said

"Well, it's a good thing you're raising children and not flowers."

That's the quote that came to my mind when I was feeling angry and so sorry for myself about losing my alone time. It helped me calm down and remember how precious PRECIOUS Audrey is to me, FAR more precious than sewing pillowcases or painting a picture- these are my TULIPS. These are good things, but they are not the most important things. I'm raising children not tulips. Even after bedtime, I'm still a mother first.

Things went better from there and soon I received another very tearful remorseful apology from her (which made me praise the Lord that He helped keep my temper, because I would've felt SO much regret right then if I had lost control at all), a hug, a kiss, one last tuck into bed, and a final goodnight.

I know Heavenly Father loves His children, including me. He helps me daily with these things and I'm so grateful to have a relationship with Him and with Jesus. Who love me and my family more than I can comprehend.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Thoughts for Sunday

Side By Side September 20, 2017 Elijah , future hillary 0 Comments

(Obviously this was supposed to be posted on Sunday! But still here it is)

1. A lot of Sundays we don't get too much out of church- HASHTAG PARENTHOOD. But the Spirit of God always still finds a way into our hearts during the week, at church or at home or at work. This week while chopping veggies for dinner I listened to the talk by Sister Reeves called "Protection from Pornography- a Christ Focused Home" and was struck anew by this scripture:

“We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, [and] we prophesy of Christ … that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” 2 Nephi 25:26

(from the talk) "How can we do this in our homes? Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

We were trying to do these things, but they were not always the priority and, amidst the chaos, were sometimes neglected. We changed our focus and tried not to worry about the less-important things. Our focus became to talk, rejoice, preach, and testify of Christ by striving to daily pray and study the scriptures and have weekly family home evening."

I'm going to strive to have us talk, preach, and prophesy of Christ more often, and especially openly rejoice in Christ more in our home. Because my kids need to know.

our comfy cozy messy-but-full-of-love home

2. Another day this week (while cleaning the bathroom) I listened to the talk "Where Your Treasure Is" by Elder Michael John U. Teh and heard the much needed reminder of

"Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Luke 12:34

It made me very reflective about what I treasure in life and made me wonder if my kids knew what I treasure. Like if they were asked would they say, "Mommy treasures uhh...her phone" or "her decorations" or "her computer." Do they know that it's them? That it's our family. That it's my faith. That it's our relationships with others. That it's their father. Do they know, do I show them? They are watching everything I do.

I want this scripture to be up in our home as a constant reminder to ask myself, "What am I treasuring today?"

3. I've noticed that in down times in my day, my eye wanders around the room searching for something to look at, something for my eyes to rest on. I look for comfort somewhere in the room. I guess I am a visual person, I LOVE artwork. Since I've noticed this I've been adamant about having a picture of Jesus in every room in our house. My eye wanders around and then rests on Him. I feel comfort in looking at Him and being reminded that He is always there.

in our living room

4. Sitting towards the back of the chapel today during sacrament meeting, I saw a little mother-son moment that I loved. This single mom in our ward and her teenage son. He said something to her, then she whispered in his ear and they both smiled and laughed a little, continued whispering for a minute, then she put her arm around him and rubbed his shoulder as they both listened to the speaker. It's just the two of them going through this life together right now. I looked down at my little son asleep in my arms and thought about him and all my hopes and dreams for his life and for our relationship. I'm grateful to have seen that little moment that they both have probably forgotten about now. I am so overwhelmingly inspired by small things and by good examples of what I hope my future will look like.

Goal this week- get outside every single day, away from home at least twice.

By the way my hearing is all back! I realized I never mentioned that big update. My life is different with hearing! I must sing praises to my Heavenly Father that it was just a temporary thing!

Saturday, May 30, 2015

5 Passions

Side By Side May 30, 2015 30 things , books 0 Comments

5 passions for my list of 30 things my kids should know about me.

1. One of my favorite things of all time are my journals. I don’t know if I’d say I have a passion for writing necessarily but I’ve realized that I do have a passion for writing in a journal to myself. I really enjoy looking back and learning from my own life put in my own words. I feel like it’s my safe place. My journals contain cherished memories that definitely would have been lost if I hadn’t written them down. Memories about middle school and high school friends, memories from mine and Andrew’s dating years and early marriage years, memories from those first few emotion-filled months of Audrey’s life and my journey into motherhood. Times of struggle and pain along with times of such happiness that it took five pages to describe. It’s all priceless and I feel like it’s such a treasure to have. Andrew has also kept journals every now and then throughout life and I love reading them now. When posed with the ‘what would you grab in an emergency’ type of question, whether a flood or a fire or whatever, after grabbing my kids and my husband I always say I would grab our mission letters and our journals. They really are my most prized possessions. And I’m determined to reawaken this passion when it occasionally starts to fade. Sometimes when I realize I haven’t written in like three months I get a little panicky about what things I’ve missed, what memories I’ve now lost because I didn’t record them. Life is only going to get busier, I know, but this is one of my most important goals for the rest of my life. Reading family history stories have fueled this desire in me as well. I think most people want someone to read their story. I don’t want to miss anything and I don’t want to forget.

2. Nature. I was blessed to grow up extremely close to the ocean- an amazing view from our living room window and at least three beaches within walking distance. I love and adore the beautiful pink and orange sunsets, the cool air, the fog, the cliffs overlooking the sea. Then living in Utah I came to know the beauty of mountains and the big blue sky, groves of trees and little streams. The peacefulness of sitting alone among flowers and trees just thinking, writing, or drawing. I have been sorely missing peaceful time outside in cool air. I realize the things I’m passionate about more when I’ve been without them. I miss long walks outside. I hope to make my kids into nature lovers along with me. I hope someday soon when Hannah’s a little older we will spend long periods of time outside everyday.

a block from my childhood home

3. Home and family/children. I’m not a very opinionated person, but this is one thing I do feel strongly about. I think I feel strongly for two reasons- first because I grew up with a loving family, children around, and a pretty traditional home and have had a very happy life, so much so that I’m working hard to have us live our life the same way. And second because I’ve learned so much in my major (Family Studies) statistically about the effects of families structures on society and how the last few decades have suffered as family values have disintegrated. I could go into all of this another time, but for now I just want to make sure my kids know that I’m passionate about it. I believe whole-heartedly in all the cliché sayings about families- the phrase “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” and others like it are very true. I’m currently obsessed with trying to make our little apartment a home, sincerely thinking about every decoration, every habit, every word we say and how it will affect our kids personalities and memories about their home as they grow up. I truly, 100%, believe that marriage, parenthood, and happy home life are the absolute most important and most influential things in the world. So I feel very good about the job I’ve chosen as a full-time mom.

4. Good entertainment. Movies, musicals, tv shows, plays, books, music, artwork. I didn’t even realize that this is something I’m passionate about until recently. I thought that it seemed kind of frivolous to be super passionate about, (specifically the ones that have to do with a screen) if it’s not your career, but recently I’ve just had to admit to myself that movie and tv watching is a hobby of mine and accept it. Since elementary and middle school when I first started watching Anne of Green Gables for comfort, I’ve used movies and shows as companions. I have a specific taste for inspiring feel-good movies, even sad ones. I also for some reason love movie musicals…like LOVE THEM. A good triumphant song can fill me up and make me tear up so fast. I just get so inspired by the movies and shows I get into. I also have a passion for theater. There is something so amazing about seeing a story told on stage and hearing big crescendos in person and not on a cd. I love historical fiction in movies, shows, or books. I love reading because I enjoy imagining each person and place, creating my own world in my head from what I read. Art is a passion for me because it is like the ultimate eye candy! It satisfies my eyes, makes me think, and makes me feel good. Good entertainment sometimes even strengthens my testimony, even if it’s not about anything gospel related. There’s so much good stuff out there.

5. My relationship with God and Jesus Christ. How can I express things that can’t be put into words? I feel their love and care for me. I’m passionate about that feeling. And I’m passionate about the eternal perspective religion offers me. I’m grateful that I can pray and talk to Heavenly Father about my deepest thoughts and feelings and feel heard and completely understood. I’m grateful for Jesus’ Atonement and the knowledge that He’s felt everything I have. I can think of Him and feel better, feel His hand in mine helping me move along during the struggles. I am passionate about the peace I feel about everything in life when I’m actively pursuing my relationships with them.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

3-5 testimony building moments

Side By Side June 25, 2014 30 things , church 1 Comments

This post is part of my "30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me" series. One of the most important things I hope they can know is that I have a testimony of the gospel and the church I belong to. I think they could also benefit from knowing some of the ways this testimony came about. Here are three of those experiences, which will possibly be followed by more later.

1. For some reason I remember the first time I went to a Relief Society meeting (which is the Sunday meeting for the women in the church). I don’t remember the details very well but I think it was with my Grandma Chandler and I think it was at the Daly City ward. I don’t know why I was in there with her instead of in Primary- I think I was 10 or 11 at the time- and I don’t know why I remember being there with her and not my mom (maybe Mom was in primary). I wish I could remember these details, but what I do remember is the feeling I had while I was there. A woman talked about her experience with faith during her battle with cancer. I remember that she was older, very skinny, and had extremely short hair. I remember that she cried as she told her story and I remember sitting there in a captivated reverence as I listened. This may have been my first real experience with feeling the Spirit. I never knew anything could be so uplifting, I never knew that words could fill me up with so much joy. I remember feeling God’s love so strongly, for myself and for this woman. I felt in awe and I thought that that kind of feeling was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing or at least few and far between. I had no idea how often I would have that feeling and feel that powerful love from God throughout my life. It was the first of many, many, many times.

2. There was a youth activity we had years ago that was a “walk through Christ’s life” kind of thing. Rooms in the church were decorated and set up with a scene from His life and there was a ward member in each one to read or talk about the story that room was about. I remember the Nativity room at the beginning with Mary and Joseph and the Baby Jesus and I remember the Crucifixion room towards the end where we heard nails pounded into wood for effect. But the room I remember most was the Last Supper room. Sister Dalisay, a small elderly Filipino lady who was a friend of my grandma’s was waiting for us in that room. There she had a long table set up with a beautiful white tablecloth, she told us the story of Jesus and His Apostles, and she read us scriptures. Then at the end of her presentation she bent down in front of each of us with a bowl of water and a washcloth and one by one she washed our feet. When she came to me I thought I had a small glimpse of what the Apostles must’ve felt. I was embarrassed to have her wash my feet- this woman who was good and kind and righteous was knelt in front of me, a teenager who was at times loud, rude, and ungrateful. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I think it taught me more about the Savior than almost anything. It changed the way I thought about Him, the way I felt about Him. I felt such a deep love for Him and from Him. And I felt such a deep love for that dear wonderful sister who was teaching me about Him in this personal way. The rest of the activity I pretty much spent in tears. That youth activity was a turning point for me and I’m so grateful to the leaders who put it together. And I’m so grateful for Sister Dalisay.

3. It was at Girl’s Camp that I think I learned to love the Church- not just the Gospel we believe in, but the Church itself that I’m a part of- the people, the camaraderie. High school was so full of ups and downs, but there was one week of every year that I knew I would spend feeling great about myself. There were girls to look up to and there were girls who looked up to me. The testimony meetings were so fulfilling to me, as we all felt comfortable and loved enough to share personal things. My last year of camp my self-worth sky rocketed when 2 girls younger than me looked right at me during their separate testimonies and said through tears how I had helped them. This isn’t to toot my own horn; it just was such a spiritual experience for me. I specifically remember Mayra looking at me with tears and saying in her sweet Brazilian accent, “Hillary, you’re why I’m here.” I felt so full, so worth something, so loved. It solidified my testimony because the feeling of love between everyone there was real and undeniable. The spirit knit our hearts together and was so strong. Because of it, I knew without a doubt that the Church was true.

What testimony building moments have you had in your life? Times when you've felt Heavenly Father's love (whether you're Mormon or not.) Big moments or small ones. I feel like I've had many more than these three. But sometimes it's the small ones that make the biggest difference in your life.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

For future Hillary

Side By Side April 24, 2014 church , future hillary 0 Comments

This talk is what I needed right now and I have a feeling I will need it again someday. I've had so many testimony building moments recently. I know He is with me. He reaches out to me constantly in such small ways. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They always know what I need.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/fear-not-i-am-with-thee?lang=eng&media=audio#listen=audio

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tender Mercies Always

Side By Side April 22, 2014 church , future hillary 0 Comments

I was feeling very very very down the other day. It was one of those days that I just felt like wouldn't get going, I felt bummed out by my appearance, and I was feeling SO indecisive about what Audrey and I should do for the day. I hate when I get indecisive like that…it really makes the day hard for me. When Audrey took her first nap of the day I came into the bedroom and said a good long prayer. I pray every day, but this one was different because it wasn't hurried like so many other times. I felt like I was really talking to my Heavenly Father, telling Him my sorrows and insecurities. It was so personal to me to feel that I could speak honestly about how I was feeling, without worries about what He would think of me. Maybe that sounds silly, but you know when you really want someone to talk to who will really understand what you're going through? And even when it's such a small, insignificant, and even silly thing to be so upset about, you know that they don't think you're silly at all. Sometimes that person has been my mom, most times it's been Andrew. And yesterday was a reminder that at all times that person can be Heavenly Father. Most times I feel like the things I worry about and struggle with are nothing compared to what others go through. But when I can remember that He doesn't think I'm silly or stupid even when I do, then I can always feel better. That's how it turned out yesterday. After praying, spending that real time with Heavenly Father, I was able to get up, shake off some of those insecurities, and get on with my day. And even later in the day when some of those feelings were creeping up on me again He sent me another help- in the form of Andrew coming home early. I love my God and my Savior. They know us individually and they will never dismiss our problems no matter how small and silly they may seem.

I loved this video so much. I saw it in the Relief Society Broadcast and watched it again today. It happened, of course, to be right when I needed it. I want to not forget about it, so I'm posting it here for future Hillary. Every once in awhile I get on here and look through my posts from previous years. I find so many reminders of things to be happy about. So this is for you, Hillary, and for my daughters and sisters and friends. As Mufasa says to Simba, "Remember who you are!" And remember who God is- our loving Father.