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Welcome to an amazingly long post all about the most important thing that has happened in the past year of me not blogging:
Introducing:
Kaia Lee Ruth
Born January 1st, 2021
5 lbs 9 oz
18 inches of perfection
My baby my baby!
It's been a year since I posted here! It was 2020 after all. A crazy year for every one. After a miscarriage last December, the global pandemic starting in March, earthquakes, homeschool, and pregnancy just being pregnancy in general, my Kaia baby was the lemonade at the end of a loooong year of lemons!
Today is Kaia's one week birthday!
One week ago yesterday, Thursday Dec 31st, I was sitting one the floor in front of the tv stand next to Chio listening to a story or something she was telling. I had had my appt earlier that day where we opted not to do the group b strep test till next appt because I had brought audrey with me. At that appt I had told Laura, my doctor/midwife, that i still wasnt positive about going natural and i stil wanted to keep talking about it and preparing my mind for it. We saw the baby on an ultrasound. Who knows maybe that is part of why she came that day. We saw her and maybe she saw us or felt us or something and decided it was time to come be with us for real. We saw her that day inside me and saw her the next day outside me!
I was in the living room of our house full of people, Chio's family and Julia's family. Adults sitting around in the living room talking and laughing kids all over the house running and playing. When suddenly I felt a very small gush of water. I was surprised but even though my mind did immediately jump to my water breaking I wasnt counting on it and didnt want to be dramatic in thinking that. So I went and checked, assuming it was just discharge or maybe even mucus plug. Then I came back out. But minutes later it happened again. I went back and forth to the bathroom and the kitchen, now wanting some privacy in case my face gave my concern away. Finally it was enough that I gestured to andrew to come in the room. I told him what was happening, each gush feeling bigger and bigger, even in that sentence had to go again to take care of it in the bathroom. I showed him what was going on and he said yeah...this looks for real. So he started grabbing stuff and throwing it in a bag and I called the on call doctor and then waited to be called back by Laura herself. She called back and said yes that sounds convincing! Why dont you head in to the hospital. And then I was freaking out inside. Nerves and worries and indecisiveness. But also excitement and anticipation at its absolute best. Such such SUCH mixed emotions, bouncing all around me inside. Julia had come and interrupted us in the room to see if they were overwhelming us and to say dont worry if you're needing a break. So after I was done spinning my wheels in there for a few minutes I went out and told everyone that we think my water just broke and that we needed to head to the hospital. It was a crazy fun moment. It's big wide eyed face kind of laughing, julia and chio immediately coming to me both talking at once about how I need to not worry about a thing and they will take care of everything. Lester sitting there with a smile and even laughing as I made a funny face and crossed my legs walking backwards to the bathroom to take care of yet another gush. They all were up doing something. asking if we had phones and chargers and anything they could think of. I dont remember if we brought the kids in and told them first or after everyone else. But we told them the baby was probably coming tonight and that we had to go to the hospital. Hannah squealed with happiness and audrey jumped straight into understanding helpful big sister excitement mode and reassured us of her responsible nature in some way and then ran off to shout it to her cousins. Eli didnt have a reaction at all. He just played and we told him julia and chio would be taking care of him. He seemed okay, I think felt weirder about it later in the night a little but over all he was just along for the ride.
While we were getting ready and there was commotion all around the house of kids playing and adults trying to all find ways to be helpful, there was a ring at our doorbell. We opened the door and it was the police!!! We were all super confused except for JT who jumped up and came to the door saying "sorry sorry sorry it was my 3 year old who called" or something like that. It was so random and startling in the moment we were having. Then when Andrew and I went out the car there was an enormous BANG sound like a gunshot! I freaked out and was mad like "who the is doing that why would anybody be doing that right now?!?!?!?!?!?!" And then Andrew reminded me it was New Years Eve and I was able to laugh at myself!!! But was still annoyed too....
We felt so taken care of our whole family. It's amazing and miraculous even that they happened to be staying with us when our original plan for our kids to go Brittney and Alex's house wouldnt have worked cause they happened to be out of town! Forever grateful to the Pinedas and the Terrys.
So then we went to the hospital, called our parents on the way. I told them on speaker phone "hope you're ready for number 9 cause my water just broke!" There was all excitement and happiness on the other end in that house full of people and it felt great to hear.
As we drove just the two of us we were happy, talking about logistics and making jokes probably quoting movies and our normal us. I was in no pain. We got to the hospital, got set up in a room to be checked to make sure the water had really broken. But our nurse Gaynor, pronounced, Gayna, who had a lovely British accent, said it was pretty much just a formality because the plastic gauze sheet under me was soaked.
I told them I was possibly going to go natural so they didnt put the monitors on me. That was the best thing ever ever ever. I will do that every time now even if I dont intend to go fully natural all the way. They still had to monitor sometimes and they tried to get a cordless monitor going but it wasnt working out because of some malfunction. So that was a big bummer because now I knew that i wouldnt actually be totally free from the monitors. They had put them on me every hour for 15 minutes. Since it was so often and they had to keep coming in several times in those 15 minutes to adjust it and get it picking up the heartbeat, it kinda just turned into like a 15-20 minute break from the monitors instead of a good 45 minutes. Pretty lame. So andrew and I just hung out all night in that room. I could walk around which was a major blessing (again I will say I'm going natural every time now until I cant stand it anymore so that I dont have to be confined to a bed). We spent our time trying to set up Andrew's phone for a good video, talking and watching fireworks from our hospital room new window with the lights off. It's like the world was celebrating Kaia coming!!!
I think at this point we tried to get some sleep. It was like 1 am. Because I had told them I was going to try and go natural they didn't make me do the monitors constantly. It's funny because in my head I was like "that's all i have to say and then I'm off the hook?" I hate those monitors with a passion, it's always one of the absolute worst parts of my deliveries. To be off them was amazing, or at least it could've been. they still had to put them on me every hour for 15 minutes. But it would turn into longer because they would slip off and lose the heartbeat, the nurses would have to come in and slide it all around my belly till they found the heartbeat again, then 5 seconds after the nurse would leave, they would lose the heartbeat again and come back in and sit on the bed till they found it again. It was supposed to be 15 min on the monitors and 45 min off. But ended up being like 20 minutes in between when they would have to come put them on again. And this was all in the middle of the night. I hate those monitors.
By morning the nurses had changed and Lindi was our new nurse and the one we got to know the best over the next few days. She was our nurse for recovery as well so lots of interaction with her. I want to remember to send a card to the hospital before we leave.
This little part is kind of blank for me. I don't remember how much time passed or what happened completely besides nurses coming in and out, messing with the monitors and talking to us. I know that one girl came in at about 1 or 2 am and talked to us extensively about the NICU stay that they all were convinced was eminent, a foregone conclusion. Other things in the night were a blur, we were both so tired at that point. I know that we a few episodes of watched Community our current show together and we talked and reminisced.
Because my water had broken on it's own we were waiting for really labor to start in it's own. I was wanting to have as natural a birth as possible, lots of reasons, had even been looking into hypnobirthing, and I especially wanted as natural a start at least. But no progression was happening, no increase in pain and it was a big bummer how long it seemed like it was going to take. Everyone kept asking me if I was feeling any pain and I just wasnt really. So eventually they did put me on pitocin to they and help things along. I was bummed out and now worried that with pitocin I wouldnt be able to go natural because of what I've heard about it making it more intense. But turned out that even on pitocin I wasnt progressing very quickly. Eventually it did start to get more painful which I was happy about but also….it was still, you know, pain. I started thinking about everything and I had been told that if I wanted an epidural it would be about an hour from when I asked for it before I could get it. So I needed to decide in advance. I had been really wanting a natural birth more and more in the last month of pregnancy and I had done a lot of research and talked my wonderfully helpful doctor and to a lot of women in my life who had done natural. But unfortunately a month of research and hope and having this mindset wasnt enough to take me the whole way. I've heard from multiple people that it is such a mental thing that they needed to start mentally preparing for it almost all 9 months or at least as early as possible. So I was just late to the game, because I hadn't decided I wanted to play it at all until way late. I had very limited time to prepare, even more limited than I knew as it all happened a month even earlier than it should've. When they had checked me I was only at a 3 or 4 and it was pretty painful. I was discouraged. Long story short i just had a feeling i should get the epidural. I considered everything, worked with what techniques I had under my belt for pain management, thought about the pain I was in currently and how much it could increase in an hour- and I pulled the plug and asked for the epidural. But mostly it was just this feeling that I had. I just felt, intuitively almost, like I should get it, even though I didnt really need it yet and it wasnt exactly my plan. An hour later I was glad I did. I was in a lot of pain and had a hard time even sitting up and getting to the edge of the bed so the anesthesiologist could administer it. Andrew is queasy about needles and blood but with every one of our births that queasiness is nowhere to be found. He’s right there with me, especially this time because i needed help getting through it.
The contractions were so painful and coming so quick, almost right on top of each other. He waited to insert the needle until a contraction was done but it was getting hard to find a window. Once it was done I was looking forward to relief...but it didnt ever fully come. They kept asking if it was getting better yet but it wasnt. Luckily (if you'd call it luck) I've had this experience before and so I wasnt as thrown off by it as I was with eli’s birth. I guess I just kind of knew it was a possibility so I was able to take it in stride and calmly let them know it still wasn't working. Make no mistake though I wasnt just all zen about everything. The pain soon became so intense that I started to cry. I was trying to breathe through it, but like I said before I was better prepared than last time but I still didnt feel prepared enough. It got to the point where I started saying "I cant do this" to andrew. He was right next to the bed sitting on a chair so that we were eye to eye and face to face, holding my hand tight and he kept saying to me "yes you can! You can! You can do this." i really needed his help and this feeling that we were both doing this together.
When I had been talking to my doctor at my appointments about possibly going natural she had said that part of it would be that I would get checked less often because they would able to tell by how I was acting how close i was. Well i guess at this point I was exhibiting behavior that told them I was almost there! Lindi and the other nurses were trying to get me to let them check me but I was begging them not to. I could imagine anything worse than getting fingers up there while experiencing such pain in other parts of my body. In the end it was andrew who convinced me, I dont even remember how. But he was the one who I remember finally saying "okay" to through tears and he held my hand really really tight as I held his really really tight as they checked me. And when they did, surprise surprise, I was at a ten! I was needing to push and I wasnt going to try to stop myself.
It turns out that when i started feeling like i couldn’t do it it was because i was feeling transition labor and had no idea that that’s what it was. I felt like i couldnt possibly do several more hours of this pain and i think that’s partly why i called for the epidural. But it wouldnt have been several more hours because the reason it was so painful is because it was the end! That’s what Laura had told me in our appointments. I told her i was pretty scared of the pain, specifically of transition and the ring of fire. She said that that was always the fastest part, it would go so so quick. If i had known that’s where i was maybe i would’ve done something different. But in the end it may possibly have been getting the epidural that made things accelerate. Within minutes after getting the epidural i went from a 3 or 4 to a 10! The same thing happened with Eli and possibly with Hannah as well. Maybe this is something about my body, that the epidural does make a difference for me- even if not in pain management ironically. Or maybe this is what my body does- jumps up to 10 once i get to a 4 with or without an epidural! I wish i could know for sure. Maybe someday I’ll find out. It was so great and in hindsight even though it was painful, I feel so proud of my body and that that's what it does in birth. All in all I think about that intuitive feeling I had. Important for me to remember.
Laura wasnt there yet though and they said not to push yet, but I decided not to listen. I maybe held back a little but I really really wanted to just let my body do what it needed to do when it needed to do it this time. I was telling andrew "I have to push I cant not push" not talking to the nurses at all even though they could hear me obviously and they were saying "just wait a tiny bit longer Laura's coming, she's coming!" I feel like I was just barely holding on, and then andrew looked at me all of a sudden very reassured and was saying "she's here hillary, okay she's here." I dont know why but hearing those words "she's here" from andrew was very reassuring like he knew that I needed to know specifically that MY doctor was here and was going to be the one there for me this time. She is my favorite doctor I've ever had and just the thought of her presence made a difference for me. (Seriously, I wish she could be my menieres doctor, my therapist, everything). I was in pain but I was not feeling scared because I felt totally safe and ready now that she was there, even with the failed epidural. I had accepted it and I was gonna push through and come out strong and with a baby in my arms.
This whole pregnancy I hadn't thought as much about the baby as I had other times, because I was just trying to get through with all these other little ppl to take care of. When laura was down there and I could see her and she said "okay give me one good push hillary you can do it." I gave one push and then felt the most intense pressure and pain ever down there after that push. And suddenly I knew she was there and she was real and she was my baby and pregnancy was about to over and I needed to have her with me right then. I said through a bunch of tears "IS THAT HER? IS THAT HER THAT IM FEELING??" And they all were yelling back to me so happily excitedly and all at the same time, the nurses, doctor and Andrew "yes that's her that's her head! SHE'S RIGHT HERE!" Then Laura said "one more push hillary!"
Then I pushed one more time and I felt her body slide out of me. I felt her come. I physically felt her first moment in this world, and felt me give it to her. Maybe this is too much to describe but I need to because for some reason it was a very significant feeling and moment for me. I think I described it in a previous entry soon after the birth, but right now a month later I am able to still I the feeling of that moment, physically emotionally and mentally reflecting on it. With every birth I've felt the emotional and mental feelings right away but this time combined with that physical relief, it all felt so real and so connected for me. I really don't know exactly what it was about all of this that resonated with me so. Maybe it was the act of strength and feeling myself summoning that strength. Or maybe it was the ridiculously indescribable feeling of relief, physical relief like magic that came. Something I always wish so hard for during a meniere's episode and never get. Giving birth is an amazing full circle kind of experience. Because it is pain and suffering and then literal deliverance all in one experience. No waiting for years to be delivered from the pain, no unsurety wondering what the future holds.. Relief comes and it comes strong and sudden, when the baby is born the relief is immediate and lasting. She's here, she's safe. Feeling her slide out symbolizes that for me now, a physical feeling that I can remember and attach to those emotional and mental feelings. Miscarriage is a disconnected experience for me. Birth rectifies that. I had been crying in pain and then a millisecond later I was crying with absolute joy and absolute relief. The peek of pain AND being required to push while feeling it and then the rush of relief to every part of me, my body, my emotions, my stress. And tears of pain turned immediately to tears of such joy. For her and for that relief. Relief means a lot to me. With menieres, with other pain in life, depression.
And guess what? Almost immediately after she was born I was completely numb down there. So much so that I didnt even feel Laura stitching me up or anything. They all said that what must have happened is that the baby was actually blocking the medicine from numbing me!!! It seems true because as soon as she was out I was numb down there. It's crazy.
Her cord was very short and so when they gave her right to me she wasnt able to come all the way up close. They asked both andrew and I if we wanted to cut the cord but we both declined, wanting instead to hold her and look at her. Laura continued working on me down there. The nurses didnt wisk the baby away from us to clean her off or anything for which I was grateful. I was in my emotional place, holding her tight. I always have tears steaming down my face at this point in my deliveries and with her it was no different. They just kept coming. She was so so so little and suddenly real. Like I said the busyness of our life during pregnancy had made me less reflective than I usually am and I hadn't been thinking very much about holding her, or writing my journal entries about her. It was all in my heart, but this period of life is about doing and working. But then she was suddenly here and felt meant to be and was all I could think about and nothing else mattered. another lovely thing about birth. Everything else is completely gone for a precious little while.
The hospital gave us a huge amazing gift basket for her being the first baby of the year- the New Year baby. Just one more thing to add to all the happiness.
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| on the wall at the hospital |
These babies when they come they are such a mystery. I know my older kids so so well, their personalities and needs. But this baby comes unknown untouched uninfluenced and just needs to be loved and held and taken care of. Its interesting to feel like she belongs to us and always has but at the same time it feels like "you're mine but who are you?" I guess it's that feeling of "i get the rest of your life to find out." Like frankie says to Sue, "how lucky am I that I get a front row seat" to you and your life and all the amazing things that you are and will do. JJ Heller's songs, 'I get to be the one.' All the songs and all the feelings.
Memory making mom. These memories are so so important to me. between you and me I wish I had better pictures that symbolize how this all feels. More flattering pictures honestly haha.
When the cord was cut and we could hold her better, it was clear she could recognize my voice and she calmed to it. Another very special aspect of birth to me.
Laura asked if we wanted to see the placenta and I said yes. She held it up and explained every part of it. It was all so interesting and got me thinking about what a cool career it must be to bring babies into the world.
Oh my child. My baby. Each one is my dream come true. If younger me could know, could see myself holding my own baby. 4 times now. Little me would have happy tears and a feeling of elation and excitement and happiness inside. And then little me would go home and hug camille mia again (my cabbage patch doll, or my 'real baby' as I insisted) and pretend to breastfeed her in the middle of the night and just wait my whole life for that day. Those four days now. How real it was to me then and how real now!
I could live in this moment of contentedness that birth and newborn life gives forever. I'm holding this baby asleep wrapped in her light blue swaddler as I write this. Her skin is smooth and soft and slightly tan. Her nose is cute, her lips are puckered, baby hair sticking up a little. Her breathing quick and short baby breath, like little quiet hyperventilating. She is my fairer haired one so far, with a slight reddish tint to it and she seems to trending towards possibly blue eyes.
The rest of our hospital stay was good. She came home on time. NICU was miraculously avoided because she just figured herself out without much intervention. They had to check her blood sugar before every feeding so she had several several heel pricks in the first 3 days of her life. But she is a tough baby. When she cries she doesn't prolong it. She calms right away when she is ready to. We are a little night time team these days. Watching our shows and movies and eating madeleines and dark chocolate covered raspberries every night.
I feel blessed to be able to be experiencing the happy things about newborn life in a new way this time. With my others unfortunately menieres comes on strong postpartum. This time it is not coming and I honestly cant find words to express the blessing that it is to be in “remission” (as my menieres facebook support group calls it for when people are inexplicably free from it for a time). I’ve been in remission for about 2 ½ years now. And whenever it does come back im very glad that i will be able to look back and remember that in this time of temporary relief I both finished my bachelor’s degree AND had a baby. The more important being the latter.
I’m in love with this child and I want to sit on the couch and hold her forever. Right now heaven really is sitting on the couch holding her, feeding her, eating desserts, and watching our show together middle of the night and early hours of the morning.
Her little nickname is ‘The Honey.’ Not honey- THE Honey. Because that’s what Eli calls little babies. He also calls her Bob.
Kaia Lee Ruthie Bob The Honey, you are so loved.
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