The other day I was having quite an emotional moment.  I was sitting on the floor in the our bedroom leaning against our bed having a good cry when my Audrey walks in, puts her hand on my cheek, and leans down to smile at me.  She then gave me kiss after kiss and hug after hug.  This only made me cry more which probably confused her.  She then walked out of the room on her teeny tiny legs and I stayed where I was trying to pull myself together and get on with the day.  Moments later I heard a strange sound from the other room, and looked up to see my sweet girl dragging her box of stuffed animals into our bedroom.  She brought it right near me, reached in and handed me her little stuffed monkey.  Then reached in again and handed me a doll.  Then a bunny.  Minnie Mouse.  Ernie.  Her favorite dog.  She handed me as many stuffed animals as I could hold.  Then just hung out with me in the room until I was ready to keep going. 

Im sitting here getting all teared up as I type this.  Because I just love that girl so much. So so much.  She means everything to me.  She is such an individual, so feisty and spunky, but also so very very kind and loving and sweet.  I want her to know so many things about how I feel about her.  Since then there have been other moments of her comforting me and just showing me such love that only a child can give.

So now this entry will serve as a reminder for me when things are hard and scary and overwhelming when this new baby of ours comes.  Audrey's first year of life was SO hard.  And yet she is the kid who makes me want to have more kids.  Because it was also SO wonderful.  It's like she's always been with us.  That's how it will be with this new baby girl.  I am still nervous about so many things about life with two kids, but I want her so bad.  I want my new little girl, she has always been a part of me, and I long to meet her finally and feel that life is that much more complete, I am that much more fulfilled.  Someday soon we won't even be able to remember her not being here.

a few days old

now

To love and be loved.  By family, by friends.  A parent, a sibling, a significant other, children, cousins, close friends.  There just nothing else in this life that compares.  To me there is nothing more important, or more wonderful.

A lengthy little update about my recent personal hard time post on here.
I have been feeling significantly better lately, emotionally.  Physically, it's all kind of the same, with a few more fun pregnancy things being added all the time.  But recently I've discovered a few things about my emotional state.

The things that seemed to be behind my 'depression' were/are (when I let it get to me):

• dwelling on the state of our messy house
• having a REALLY hard time feeding both me and Audrey consistently (the eating healthy goal has gone out the window for the duration of the pregnancy…which is ironic because this is the time when it's most important.  The doctors reassure me not to worry about that and just focus on keeping food- any food- in my stomach always.  But it hasn't been as easy as it sounds.)
• spending too much time 'not wanting to bother someone.'  Feeling the need to deal with all of this myself, and not 'air my dirty laundry' to people outside my family.  Feeling insecure about asking people to hang out too often in case they're busy or sick of me.

Mind over matter is what I have to remember with many of these things.  Finding ways to cope and function and REMEMBERING them and sticking with them consistently.

The things that have helped most with the possible 'pre-partum depression' issue are:

• weather-  this is kind of a sad one I think because it's not something I can control.  I'm one of those few people in the world who prefers winter over summer.  Yes…OVER summer.  It's not just that I welcome it when I'm sick of the heat…I'm just always sick of the heat.  I don't do well in it at all, I feel much less functional.  It got cold really abruptly here in Provo this year and ever since I have been feeling sooooo happy.  Audrey and I may be getting outside a little too often lately and I really need to pay more attention to her little rudolph red nose.  
• social interaction-  I have friends and I need to remember that.  The way I need to remember it is to put myself out there, plan things, and give myself some company.  One of the main things about this is that it helps me pass the time more easily till Andrew gets home.  If I am spending all day every day trying to keep up on housework and not letting myself do anything 'fun' until the house is spotless…well then I find myself in the sad place I was in those few weeks ago.  I'm very blessed to be surrounded by girls here who are dealing with a lot of the same things I am…but I don't ever realize it until I open up to them about what I'm going through.  There are kindred spirits to be found anywhere.
• exercise- Yoga and walking.  Nothing more than that.  It's not major, but it's taught me that endorphins are definitely a real thing.  It all started when my friend Hillary (who is also pregnant) invited me to go for a longer than I normally would walk with her one day.  That was kind of the big turning point in all this.  Coming home from that walk I had goals I wanted to set because I felt so good.

1. to be outside everyday (when reasonable, weather permitting)- I love being outside, I love nature, and I really miss walking to and from school everyday, having that mandatory outside time.  Audrey enjoys it so much too, so I want to do it for both of us.  Sunlight definitely makes such a difference in how a person feels, so I want to get back to being a family who spends a significant amount of time outside.
2. to build up stamina- regarding dizziness, heart rate, and just being able to handle more exercise little by little.  I have been avoiding long walks since being diagnosed with Menieres because there is a certain point where I get dizzy being outside.  I want to build up my ability to stay out longer and longer, especially so that hopefully post-pregnancy I can have relatively good exercise habits and be able to build from there.  I want my head and my body to be able to handle camping and hiking better- things I know my Andrew loves and has given up a little bit for my sake.

I love fall.  I love fall.  I LOVE FALL.  It has drastically altered my mood, I think in part because of how much more Audrey and I go outside during the week.  It's made such a big difference for me, Andrew's even surprised.  We've had a lot of fun things going on, too much to describe in detail.  That, plus the fact that I'm tired (as usual), means we're going to let a million pictures do the talking.  With captions of course.  Just to sum up really quick, some of the things we've had going on include a talent show, Primary/nursery activity for church, trick or treating, visits from Mariah and Ross, library going, old scary movie watching, leaf crunching, cute comfy fall clothes wearing, pumpkin bread making, hot chocolate drinking, walk taking, pumpkin carving, park going, and plenty of other fun fall things as well!  A big thank you to Auntie Maya and Uncle Matt for Audrey's awesome giraffe costume she got last year!!  So with that, here are pictures of Fall 2014 so far for your viewing pleasure:

an old summer pic of audrey with her little friend tenley!

watching the leaves start to fall

the trees here in the fall are like nothing i've ever seen with their bright, vibrant colors

some days we meet daddy half way as  he's walking home from school.  the leaves this day were particularly crunchy and amazing, as was the beautiful foggy weather!

trying out audrey's outfit for  the ward talent show!  she did a hula  with mommy and some friends, and she  basically stole the whole show (which everyone seemed totally fine with!)

the stake primary activity was so great!  it was the first time she officially got to wear her costume.

ghost bowling!

she didn't have very good aim...

a giraffe and a chicken

the cookie decorating was a little advanced for her but she still enjoyed it.  once i had put the frosting and sprinkles on this one she grabbed the one off the plate next  to her before i could stop her and plopped it right on top of the one in her hand and started laughing.

here is audrey with her cookie sandwich  after we got home.  she's creative, that one.

pumpkin carving on the lawn with  our fabulous neighbors!  we really love living  here.  audrey was roaming around pointing at leaves and things.  sadly we didn't get a  good picture of our mike wazowski inspired pumpkin.

at the duck pond with daddy

one of my favorite places at BYU- the duck pond.  just look at that. how could you not love it?

ending our duck pond day with a Frozen sleepover party

Halloween Toddler Time at the Provo Library!  i don't think i can say enough how much  i love this library.  i've done posts about it before, but i'll say it again- i love this place.

there's my little giraffe.  trying to get closer and closer to the puppet show

i just thought this picture was funny because you can't see anything of audrey except her hands.  my little giraffe's got some junk in the trunk!

first real trick or treating!

and this is what happened after trick or treating

auntie mariah and uncle ross are some of audrey's favorite people.  she gets excited even at the mention of their names!

and now we are getting ready for winter! we just bought her some tiny gloves and mittens, a winter hat, and a big marshmallow-y winter coat.  this is her trying on uncle luke's old winnie the pooh  hat that she wore last year as a 2 month old… it still fits of course.

Audrey and I have watched some of my old favorite Halloween cartoons, like the one with Donald Duck and his nephews with the witch named Witch Hazel.  The way Andrew and I have celebrated Halloween the last few years has been to watch a few old scary movies.  Not horror…we don't get into stuff like that…we mostly watch black and white murder mystery movies or things similar to that.  Some of our favorites are: The Ghost and Mister Chicken with Don Knotts, Spellbound with Gregory Peck and Ingrid Bergman, Dial M For Murder with Grace Kelly, Arsenic and Old Lace with Carey Grant, The Thin Man #2 with William Powell, Myrna Loye, and Jimmy Stewart.  Some others that deserve honorable mention are: The Snake Pit, Leave Her To Heaven, Strangers on a Train, Rope, and Rebecca (mostly the very end of this one).  Ooohh just thinking of some of these gives me shivers!

Hanaike/Dobbins Granddaughter Number 4 will be joining the very girly group of cousins in late March!!  Yup this is grandchild number four and grandDAUGHTER number four for both sides of our families, without a boy in sight.

(We don't have ultrasound pictures to upload because they didn't give us a disc like they did with Audrey.  So for now pictures of this baby can be found on our fridge…feel free to stop by if you want to see them :).)

We are very happy and grateful that she is who she is and that she is coming!  With Audrey's favorite movie being Frozen, I guess we should've known that she's been wanting a sister.  Our little Elsa is getting her very own Anna!  She's going to be such a great big sister.  It's funny because when we were looking around for a 'big sister' shirt for Audrey months before knowing the gender, the only one we could find was a Frozen shirt that said "Sisters Forever."  I almost bought it absentmindedly (like seriously I was walking up the register with it) because it just never occurred to me that it wouldn't be a girl!  She's just so meant to be.


I think my favorite thing about pregnancy (and it's a short list) is feeling the baby moving inside me.  Right now she is still really down low so that it's almost like butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  I'm finally showing and Audrey always lifts up my shirt and pats my tummy!  I don't think she has any idea that she's getting a sibling…maybe she just thinks I'm being funny making my tummy bigger.  But it's nice now that we are able to use the word 'sister' instead of 'baby' when we refer to my tummy.  She knows what a baby is and she knows what a tummy is so I think she was getting pretty confused why we were suddenly calling my tummy 'baby' when it sure doesn't look like a baby to her.

Honestly, we're also very excited about not having to buy too much stuff for this new arrival!  Our apartment is small and getting smaller as Audrey gets bigger, so any space we can save is good news.  We have all the baby girl clothes we will need for up to about 2 years old and we will only get more as Audrey gets older. I hope this new little sweetheart won't mind hand-me-downs…cause she will be living much of her life in them for awhile.  Being a younger sister myself, I have to say that I never really did mind hand-me-downs.  When I'd see Julia get something new that I particularly liked I don't think I very often felt jealous because I knew that I'd probably get a chance to wear it anyway!  Although that all changed as we became teenagers…we stopped growing pretty early in life and so it got to the point that when Julia got something new she was keeping it until she got sick of it.  So I think we're pretty safe for at least the next ten years or so.  After that….well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!  With every baby I want to buy a special little outfit just for them so I'm very excited for that in the next few days!!

Ever since we found out we've been saying "our girls" this and "our girls" that.  I love saying "our girls."  Andrew doesn't mind being outnumbered and I don't think he ever will….until the teenage years perhaps.  Another bridge we'll cross, uh, later.  I'll blog again sometime about how I'm feeling emotionally…for now I just want to say that it has gotten a lot better.