maybe someday i will get a nice enough camera to take good food pics.  my phone only seems to take nice pictures in natural light. i could also probably plate it a lot nicer, but i made my family wait to eat so i could take pictures so i didn't want to ask them to wait any longer.

i even snuck more of the curry later that night.  look at my little boyfriend waiting for me on the couch there.  he's the cutest.

this is just to show how long her hair actually is.  it looks about 1/4 of this length with how tight her curls are!

My exercise in happiness: I'm going to try to blog once a week.

With a new baby, two other kids to take care of, having Menieres issues, being homebound, lack of sleep, and recently experiencing more hearing loss- I feel like I am sometimes teetering on the edge of that depression cliff.  So in an attempt to do battle with this feeling and stay on the TOP of the cliff, I've made this goal for blogging, because blogging always makes me happy.  I've recently been reading some of Stephanie Nielson's blog posts (nieniedialogues.com) from during her recovery from her plane crash.  Hers and other mom blogs I read sometimes have inspired me.  I notice a pattern- the blogs I love and enjoy reading seem to be the ones where people are celebrating their lives.  There are hard things in their lives, and they're not ignoring them, but they are focusing on the good things going on at the same time.  My mom, my sister Julia, my friend Olivia, and Stephanie Nielson- these are some women who seem to do that.  Right now Stephanie's blog is helping me particularly to be okay with writing about what I'm actually going through with Menieres, like how she wrote honestly about her recovery.  So my blog wont be all celebratory.  But it will help me have a release I hope and feel like I have a support system out there because people are actually understanding how hard things are sometimes.  Meneires and hearing loss from it have made me feel more and more isolated a little at a time.  So maybe if I write about it I will feel less alone in it.  And I always feel happier when I blog!

one of those late nights...or early mornings.  i don't know anymore!

I want to be a little more oblivious to the bad things in life, like my sister Samantha is sometimes.   Because I usually do the opposite...I dwell on them.  Samantha is one of the happiest people I've ever known.  I want to be like her.

if my kids grow up to be half as happy as samantha, i think ill be satisfied with my parenting job

samantha on a picnic, a block our house in california.  this picture captures perfectly why i ache with homesickness all the time.  this is my happy place, a perfect day.

Right now the stupidest thing going on for me is this sudden dramatic hearing loss.  I'm frustrated and discouraged by it, because everyone and everything sounds very far away and muffled and I have to say what about 20 times in one conversation.  I had two ear infections last week out of the blue and it messed with my hearing in both my good ear and my bad one.  It is VERY disorienting to lose one of your senses!  Eli and I made our debut at church today and I had some uh...communication issues that led to a few misunderstandings- the kind where someone asks me a question and I laugh assuming they just said something funny and then we look at each other confused for a split second and then one of us politely escapes.  Things like that.  That's already kinda been a part of my life, but today it was getting ridiculous.  It was good to have the mother's room all to myself during Sunday School so I could just sit in my silence and not have to strain to hear anyone or worry about awkwardness.  Just me and Eli, no one else to worry about, nothing else to hear.  Although I did very faintly hear what sounded like ukulele music that I still have no idea where it was coming from....or if it even existed.  I get discouraged, but stuff like that it's fun to just laugh at myself.

Anyways, I've had the lovely Helen Keller on my mind lately because of all this.  I happened to pick up the movie The Miracle Worker from the library a few days before the ear infections.  I put it on one early morning after the hearing loss came when I was feeling emotional with discouragement.  It was very helpful and hopeful.  I'm having a really hard time with (what I hope is temporary) deafness and I am so in awe of someone who goes through life without sight as well.  I feel like right now I'm living in a world of almost silence- I'm zoned out a lot and just in my own head so much because nothing else can get in (except tinnitus of course.  Lots and lots of tinnitus)!  I can't imagine being in a world of silence AND darkness.  And somehow still being able to thrive as much as Helen Keller did.  I'm going to try and learn more about her and read her books.  I want to know how she found such success and happiness in the silent and dark world she lived in.



I don't always do very well with goals, so hopefully this time I can be persistent with myself to make it happen.  Once a week is realistic, I hope, and although it make take me several days to write one little post (Menieres affects my screen time abilities) I will try my hardest to make it happen.  I've talked to Andrew about my goal and he is all prepared to help me make it happen by helping me have time to do it.  I love him a lot.

My goal this week: focus on food.  Pursuing natural and low-sodium everything to see if it helps reduce the hearing loss, tinnitus, and short but frequent vertigo episodes .  We bought a lot of fruits and veggies for this.  Snacking and convenience are my downfalls.  I've got to prepare snacks ahead and have this be my main goal this week, one day at a time.  If I try to pursue anything else along with this I know I won't stay on top of it.  We'll see how it goes!

During a vertigo episode I find myself saying, "I hate my life."  But thats not true at all.  I hate my Menieres life.  But I love my everything else life.  Especially my MOM LIFE.

this is why if i'm ever sad i need to remember to look at my blog.  cause how could anyone stay sad when they see pictures  of this little face???  it's impossible.

I'm reading a book called Edenbrooke right now that I'v heard so much about from several people.  The plot is interesting, but what is getting me more than anything in this book are the descriptions of the scenery...it's like straight out of Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility.  I feel like I can hear the background music as I read about the light on the meadow and the windswept vistas with the beautiful views.  This is my break time and I'm now spending daydreaming on the couch instead of doing dishes or even watching one of my shows.  It's okay though, because I believe that everyone needs times like these, and I'd venture to say stay-at-home mothers especially.
It gets me thinking about a place I saw about 6 or 7 years ago that has always stuck in my mind as my ultimate dream home.  It was somewhere on the way to Idaho from Utah- I'm not even sure which of those states it's actually in- and we went there to get my sister Julia's wedding dress altered. There was a lady out there who was either the only one or one of only a few people who did custom alterations on the specific type of dress Julia had gotten.  So we got some of our friends, piled into our friend's car with the subwoofers (everyone's favorite of all each other's cars), and rode the 3 hours talking, laughing, singing, hanging out, rocking out, thugging out to loud music like we always did.  In those days a 3 hour ride was no inconvenience if we were with our friends.  We'd just be doing the same things in our apartments anyway so the time flew by.  I remember that the directions were a little difficult once we realized we should probably start figuring out where exactly we were going and I think we even got little stuck in some mud somewhere along the way.  But it was worth it for Julia's dress and for the sight of this place that is forever fixed in my brain.  We saw it from a distance at first because there was a large American flag hanging on the porch.  We didn't know that it was where we were going so we (actually I think just me) oohed and ahhed over it as we drew nearer, thinking we were going past it.  Then when I realized there was nothing else around anywhere, I decided that wedding dress altering was going to be my new career!
In my memory the house a like a large but elegant country farmhouse set against a back drop of rolling green hills.  It was my most favorite time of day, early evening right when the sun was starting to go down and it's orange glow was cast on everything in sight.  It was cool outside and there was still snow on the ground scattered across the fields stretching on all sides of the house.  There was a wrap around porch with rocking chairs, a giant shade tree with a swing, and fields and fields of beautiful sun kissed land.
We were able to spend a good amount of time there for the lady to measure Julia for the alterations, and oh how I enjoyed every second of it!  What we saw of the house was homey and comfortable, very big but not opulent or too excessive.  I was dying to go exploring through the house, but I figured that'd be rude because this was this lady's home not just her place of business.  She had already opened it up to us who were probably not her usual type of visitors- little college kids in jeans and t-shirts who had all wanted to come along for the ride.  We came back several weeks later to pick up the dress and that was the last I saw of this beautiful place.
I guess I want to be a country girl.  I grew up in the small city of Daly City right next to the ocean, beaches and cliffs only about 2 blocks away.  I wouldn't trade the home of my childhood for anything.  But sometimes (when I'm not dreaming about my childhood home as the ideal place to live forever) I dream of our future home with wide open fields, green and brown hills, orchards, forests and streams.  A place where my kids can run far and still be in sight of the house.  A place where we can sit outside with a book for a long time, a place where I can pursue gardening, where we can have backyard parties with lights.  I think it has all come from Anne of Green Gables, Avonlea, and Jane Austen.
Who knows where we will settle in the long run?  We may not fulfill all of these dreams of mine and I  will always know that I have the most important things.  But it's always good to dream.  I dreamed these guys up and they came true, so who knows?


avonlea, anne, sense and sensibility houses

Someday I hope look back and think of us as an outdoors-y family.  I hope looking back I'll see that we've gone camping a bunch, hiking, long walking, picnicking, gardening, wading in creeks and waterfalls, sitting around a fire at night, tree climbing, stargazing, etc...all the things that will bring us to SPEND time in nature, not just walk through on our way to the next building.  That's my hope anyway.  (Never mind that we missed all three of our chances to see the Grand Canyon this summer) And every time I get a resurge of that desire I remember that we have to start it now!
So recently we went on a family hike to Battle Creek Falls again in Pleasant Grove.  It was a warm late-summer day and the big accomplishment is that Audrey and I made it in and out without any major melt-downs or 'I give ups.'  It was only about a mile and a half altogether, but believe me it was not easy.  A good chunk of it was uphill and there were some precarious slopes with sliding rocks.  The sun beating down, each of us with a kid strapped to us, and my balance already not being what it used to be definitely made it a test of endurance.  But we made it all the way to the water fall and it was worth it!  It would've been more fun if there weren't hundreds of people there...but that's probably what they were thinking about us being there too.

see them way up there??

hannah and i set up our blanket a ways down and just enjoyed the scenery

snack time

we stopped at two water spots, the waterfall and the creek a little ways down from the falls.  my favorite was the creek.  i love be able to play in the calmer water.

must be nice to be a baby

The vertigo episodes have gotten worse.  I've had one about every day for the last week and a half, with no signs of letting up.  The medicine I'm supposed to take for it is a combination pill of two different medicines.  I can only take one of the medicines while breastfeeding and then I can start the combination pill when I stop.  I've been on the one called hydroclorothiazide for the past month and it obviously has not helped at all, just like the low sodium diet.  So I need to take the combination pill as soon as possible to see if that will be the answer.

My friend Kaylee is helping me make onesie dresses for my girls and I am loving it!  I'm making matching dresses for the girls and one extra dress for Audrey (because the white onesies we could find at the store only came in packs of three).  Turns out I really enjoy sewing....who knew?  Not me.  I feel like my hobbies are getting more and more 'little house on the prairie-esque' as I go along in stay-at-home-mom life.  My role model is Janet King from the show Avonlea when it used to be her daughter Felicity.  Now when I watch movies and shows I pay particular attention to what the homes look like, the furniture, the decorations, where things are kept, thinking about what things I like about it and want to be a part of my home.  Oh my goodness I can't wait to have a house!  That is dream on my mind these days.  I used to dream about leaving home and being on my own, then I dreamed about my future husband and wedding, then I dreamed about my kids and life as a stay-at-home-mom.  Now that I've realized all of these dreams it feels like the only thing left to dream about is my own home now!  When I get to that point I'm going to need to find something new to daydream about.  Someday I'll be dreaming about my kid's weddings, my grandkids, and a mission.  That's the thing about life though, isn't it?  There's always something coming next!

Anyway, here are some pictures of my onesie dress project.  I love working on it so much.  I'm so proud of myself for it, I feel like a little kid bringing home an art project to show my mom.  So here it is, Mom!

onesie from walmart

two cute fabrics from joanns.  this ones for audrey's own dress.

this ones for the matching dresses

cut

sew

gather

pin

this onesie we already had for hannah and it came with the bows on the sleeves.  it was so perfect!

A lengthy little update about my recent personal hard time post on here.
I have been feeling significantly better lately, emotionally.  Physically, it's all kind of the same, with a few more fun pregnancy things being added all the time.  But recently I've discovered a few things about my emotional state.

The things that seemed to be behind my 'depression' were/are (when I let it get to me):

• dwelling on the state of our messy house
• having a REALLY hard time feeding both me and Audrey consistently (the eating healthy goal has gone out the window for the duration of the pregnancy…which is ironic because this is the time when it's most important.  The doctors reassure me not to worry about that and just focus on keeping food- any food- in my stomach always.  But it hasn't been as easy as it sounds.)
• spending too much time 'not wanting to bother someone.'  Feeling the need to deal with all of this myself, and not 'air my dirty laundry' to people outside my family.  Feeling insecure about asking people to hang out too often in case they're busy or sick of me.

Mind over matter is what I have to remember with many of these things.  Finding ways to cope and function and REMEMBERING them and sticking with them consistently.

The things that have helped most with the possible 'pre-partum depression' issue are:

• weather-  this is kind of a sad one I think because it's not something I can control.  I'm one of those few people in the world who prefers winter over summer.  Yes…OVER summer.  It's not just that I welcome it when I'm sick of the heat…I'm just always sick of the heat.  I don't do well in it at all, I feel much less functional.  It got cold really abruptly here in Provo this year and ever since I have been feeling sooooo happy.  Audrey and I may be getting outside a little too often lately and I really need to pay more attention to her little rudolph red nose.  
• social interaction-  I have friends and I need to remember that.  The way I need to remember it is to put myself out there, plan things, and give myself some company.  One of the main things about this is that it helps me pass the time more easily till Andrew gets home.  If I am spending all day every day trying to keep up on housework and not letting myself do anything 'fun' until the house is spotless…well then I find myself in the sad place I was in those few weeks ago.  I'm very blessed to be surrounded by girls here who are dealing with a lot of the same things I am…but I don't ever realize it until I open up to them about what I'm going through.  There are kindred spirits to be found anywhere.
• exercise- Yoga and walking.  Nothing more than that.  It's not major, but it's taught me that endorphins are definitely a real thing.  It all started when my friend Hillary (who is also pregnant) invited me to go for a longer than I normally would walk with her one day.  That was kind of the big turning point in all this.  Coming home from that walk I had goals I wanted to set because I felt so good.

1. to be outside everyday (when reasonable, weather permitting)- I love being outside, I love nature, and I really miss walking to and from school everyday, having that mandatory outside time.  Audrey enjoys it so much too, so I want to do it for both of us.  Sunlight definitely makes such a difference in how a person feels, so I want to get back to being a family who spends a significant amount of time outside.
2. to build up stamina- regarding dizziness, heart rate, and just being able to handle more exercise little by little.  I have been avoiding long walks since being diagnosed with Menieres because there is a certain point where I get dizzy being outside.  I want to build up my ability to stay out longer and longer, especially so that hopefully post-pregnancy I can have relatively good exercise habits and be able to build from there.  I want my head and my body to be able to handle camping and hiking better- things I know my Andrew loves and has given up a little bit for my sake.