I tried to put these on Facebook today but it said we needed an updated version of something in order to do it.  So since this has been my place to put pictures lately I guess I'll just stick with it!  Here are some pictures of Audrey (in her little dress from Uncle Luke) and I with Auntie Mariah on our recent trip to Salt Lake where we had a little picnic at M Street park (where she at a FULL jar of baby food in ONE SITTING.  A big deal for us!).

So, I want to write about something that I have been little hesitant to blog about in the past.  It's not that it's an awkward-too-much-information kind of thing, it's just that I don't want to ever seem like I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me.  Now I've decided to do it, though, because this is my place to express myself and as my friend and fellow Hilary (except she is a one l-er) said on her own blog recently, this blog "allows me to write a commentary on my own life, which I find remarkably therapeutic."  So here it is.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with something called Menieres Disease.  One of the specialists who ran the tests made sure to tell me that it's mis-named- that it's not actually a disease at all, it's a 'syndrome.'  When I talk about it I just say I have a 'condition' called Menieres Disease.  Here is a definition and a bit about it:

I was diagnosed with it while I was pregnant with Audrey, sometime in the 2nd trimester.  I had been dealing with a lot of nausea and vomiting throughout the pregnancy, and the natural dizziness and off-balance feeling that accompanied it seemed pretty normal, however uncomfortable.  Then one day while I was working at my daycare job I suddenly felt the most severe dizziness of my life and began throwing up non stop.  I would learn later that that was vertigo.  Thankfully I was downstairs cleaning up from lunch so I had no kids in my charge right then, but I could barely stand and couldn't think straight to figure out what to do.  Finally I was able to get up and went from wall to wall to try and get upstairs.  When I got up there and started telling my boss I needed to go home, I started throwing up again.  On my way out the door I had to stop one more time to throw up in the trash can by the door.  I went and sat in my car, and had no idea how I was going to get home.  I'm pretty sure I would've crashed if I had driven myself.  After getting in touch with Andrew, accepting a ride home from my boss, throwing up in her car one more time on the way there, I finally was home and able to throw up more in the comfort of my own bathroom.  Seems silly, but seriously that was all I wanted.  It was the next best thing to having the vertigo go away altogether.  Andrew came home and made sure I was okay, then went and picked up the car, and after going to the OBGYN to check on the baby, they referred us to an ear/nose/throat doctor.  A week or two later, after some very uncomfortable testing of balance, hearing, and my reaction to fluid being shot into my ear, I was officially diagnosed with Menieres.

That was my worst experience with it so far.  They said that it's possible that the condition is aggravated by pregnancy but that there was no way to know until after I had the baby.  I have been slowly losing some hearing in my right ear since high school and I had had one or two smaller vertigo attacks before being pregnant.  Thankfully I have never had a full on "drop attack," although there have been times that I've been close enough to it to scare myself and Andrew.  My biggest hope with it all was that it really would pretty much go away after pregnancy.  But, sadly, here we are 7 months postpartum, and it still is a definite part of my life.  Not nearly as bad, but always still there.

I don't want to write about every attack of vertigo I've had or about how to treat it.  The only option I've been given to treat is to go on a low-sodium diet, which we have been trying hard to do.  What I do want to write about is…….how living with it is hard.

This is why I've been hesitant to blog about it.  I don't want to throw a pity party.  I just want to talk about what I'm going through.

I have vertigo on and off now…I've never really noticed a pattern.  When it happens it lasts for an hour or more and I just need to sit and stare at a wall oftentimes with a bowl nearby.  Sometimes I am able to lay down and close my eyes till it passes, which is nice, but basically my life has to stop for that time.  My hearing seems to be going a little more every few months.  If someone is talking to me on my right I have to turn my head in order to catch everything they're saying.  The ear ringing comes and goes, sometimes soft and mild, sometimes loud and deafening.  The last few days have been the latter.

I went to a Relief Society activity on Saturday that I was pretty excited about.  I woke up with ear ringing that got steadily louder until when the time came for the activity I was just about deaf in my right ear.  I went anyway because I just really wanted to, but I knew my balance would be really off.  The activity was all about health and wellness, and when I got there we were learning about and practicing self defense.  This is where I started to get insecure because I knew my head would not be able to handle any kind of…well, any exertion at all.  Sometimes just standing up throws me off balance bad enough that I have to lean against a wall.  As the activity went on we learned about exercise, nutrition, and CPR.  During the exercise portion when I tried to follow the girl in the front I had to hold onto the wall.  Multiple times throughout the activity I tripped as we walked from one place to another.  I was never sure if someone was talking to me or not, and I had to say 'what' about 12 times in a 2 minute conversation when I did know someone was talking to me.  When we all got the lunch that was made for us I spilled my soup all over the table and muffins.  Just from being so disoriented from the ringing in my ear.  It was one of those moments where I started to wish someone knew.  Just knew that I was dealing with something right then.

Everyone of course was super nice.  Half of these things I'm sure no one even noticed.  And yet still, I felt ridiculous.  I can't describe how silly I felt.  I just felt so lame.  I understand now how frustrating it must be for elderly people who have a hard time with things that they feel they should be able to do for themselves.  Like not spilling soup, and not tripping when they walk two steps.  It was a hard moment for me.

My biggest fear, the thing I dread most about it all is that possibility that there will be a day where it will affect my abilities as a parent.  Sometimes when Audrey has fallen asleep in my arms and I get up to go put her in her crib, the dizziness hits and I have a sudden feeling of terror that I'm going to fall with her in my arms.  There have been times where I've felt an episode coming on and I've called Andrew to come home early because I was so scared I was not going to be able to care for Audrey.  I've tripped on  the play structure at the park down the street while holding her and watched in slow motion as her head hit the hard metal.  I'm terrified of someday becoming so disoriented when we are too far away from our home, or of having an attack while driving with my precious cargo in the back seat.  I hate living with this fear, fear of something I can't control, fear of myself.

Yesterday we left church early because of the ear ringing coupled with some nausea.  It's always because I'm so afraid it will get worse and morph into a full blown vertigo episode.  On the way home I just kept thinking about our future and how our kids will see all of this.  That they will be pulled out of Primary class on Sunday because mom is sick and needs to go home early, or that a family friend had to pick them up from school because mom couldn't drive today, or that the house is in shambles because mom couldn't get out of bed.  I don't want to be a mom who is not able to take care of her kids.

My other big fear about having this condition is about future pregnancies.  I really want to have a lot of kids.  It's one of the greatest desires of my heart to have a big family.  But because of my inability to function during pregnancy we may have to limit the number of kids we have.  It breaks my heart to think about that.  But it make me feel even worse when I picture having an attack when I have two or three little ones who need me.  It was bad enough when I was by myself at work that first time.  I want a lot of children but I want to be able to care for the children I have.  It all just makes me sad.

I'm trying to figure out how to end this post positively…but really this is just how I'm feeling right now and I guess that's okay.  We all have up days and down days.  Usually I'm a pretty optimistic person so I'm sure that in the next few days I'll be back on top again.  When I feel ridiculous like I did the other day it always somehow brings me closer to Heavenly Father and I suppose that's the point of trials.  I pray for help all the time, for physical help and for comfort.  And oftentimes it comes.  If I call Andrew and need him to come home it happens to work out perfectly with work AND school.  A lot of times when I'm feeling it the worst and I'm alone here, Audrey happens to be taking a good long nap.  I guess what I need more of right now is hope.  Hope for the future, that it will not be as bad as I think it will.  I struggle sometimes to find the balance between having hope and being realistic.  As you see any kind of balance at all is not my strong point!  But I will keep on keeping on.  I needed to write about this just because sometimes you just need people to know that you're going through something.  "Hope you know, I'm having a hard time."  I'm grateful for the support I have from my friends and family.  Especially the support, understanding, and unconditional love from my husband, daughter, and Father in Heaven.

(I welcome any encouraging words you have for me, and I'm grateful to you for reading this whole post if you did :))

Here are a few things that set Audrey apart from other babies:

after trying a toy, puffs, and a pacifier, what calmed her down and got her to sleep?  the smarties.

I'm getting ready to start a scrapbook for Audrey and as I was choosing pictures to print out I felt such an amazing sense of wonder.  Looking at the pictures of her first few moments of life I was just suddenly in awe that it all really happened and that I really am a mom.  I kept saying to Andrew, "I just…I can't…I can't believe I had a baby.  I had a BABY."  I was the kid who played with dolls much longer than the average girl.  I always insisted that my cabbage patch doll Camille Mia was a real baby.  Sometimes I would play with her as if she would talk, but most of the time she was a baby to me who I would rock and sing to.  I even have a very vivid memory of going to bed with her by my side and then sitting up a few minutes later and pretending to nurse her!!!!  That one in particular was done really quietly so my sister wouldn't hear and make fun of me.  I can't believe I just admitted that on here, but I guess I just want to illustrate HOW BADLY I have always wanted a real baby.  And now I have one.  And it's everything I dreamed it would be and more.



She is doing all the normal wonderful baby things.  She is seven months old now and is enjoying solids more and more, especially fruit of course.  She still doesn't take a bottle but we've pretty much given up on that.  She sits up all the time, but also enjoys laying down on her back.  Sometimes she prefers it.  When we lay her down she will stare up at the ceiling with her little lips tucked inside her mouth and she'll hum and smile and propel herself backwards by arching her neck and pushing her legs against the ground.  Sometimes she'll just laugh out loud as she is laying there, as if she has an imaginary friend on the ceiling.  There have been a few times that I've turned around to look at her and she is across the room from where she started out!  It's like she's crawling on her back, with her elbows, legs, and head.  I tried to paint that picture for you the best I could…some things you just have to see to get the full cuteness.



She likes story time and play time and she loves looking at family pictures!  We have a great nap time and bedtime schedule and she puts herself to sleep, which is just AMAZING.  She tolerates tummy time more now because I think she's realized that it's a means to an end…crawling.  She's very stable if we set her down on her hands and knees, but she still doesn't quite know how to use that position to get going anywhere.  She stands against the couch if we put her there (don't worry, we never walk away) and she always seems to know when she's done something good because she gets this proud little look on her face and looks around hoping everyone sees what a big girl she is.  Which is ironic because she is still VERY little for her age.  Someone we passed said to me the other day, "Wow, she's holding her head up really well!"  They were very surprised when I said, "Oh well she is 7 months old!"  Most of the time people guess she's about 4 months.  Which is also funny because she has some 4 month old friends who are bigger than her.  I guess that's just the way it is being a Hanaike/Dobbins and we wouldn't have her any other way!

this is audrey with my cousin karen's baby, chloe.  she is a little younger than audrey and i'm sure she has surpassed her on the growth charts by now.

She also LOVES bath time.  As soon as we start filling her little tub and by the time we are taking on the diaper she can hardly stand the excitement!  She starts yelling and squealing with delight and rocking back and forth as hard as she can.  She loves to splash herself in the face (weirdo!) and chew on the bath toys.

watching basketball while waiting for her bath

She also loves to go outside.  She loves to see the cars pass by and she loves to watch the kids play at the park.  She's pretty wary of other people when they come talk to her though
She is the most beautiful girl in the world to us.  She is so loving and so fun.  I love watching her learn about her world.  Sometimes she'll just sit and watch the curtains billow back and forth when the heater comes on.  She likes watching the trees move outside.  She likes being carried around with me as I do chores and things.  She's also become so cuddly when it's time to sleep and this is where she shows her love.  Lately when I'm rocking her before bed she'll reach up and hug me around the neck and slowly open and close her fingers on my skin as she closes her eyes.


We sing certain songs for bedtime, certain ones for nap time, and different ones throughout the day.  We're singing all the time, me and her.    She likes the song 'Let It Go' from Frozen and so many other Disney songs.  All our kids are going to be Disney babies, it's set in stone.  She loves when Daddy comes home because that's when the real good playtime starts.  He's the one who helps her try new things.  If it was just me, she would still be laying on her back 24/7.  They definitely have a special father/daughter relationship and I love to watch it.

DADDY'S HOME!

short little hike where we were able to try out the super deluxe baby back pack from my Hanaike/Flemming relatives!

She is my sweet baby girl and she always will be :)  I love this life, and I'm so grateful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with a real live baby of my own, a perfect little daughter.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's all real.

we checked out plenty of board books but these were our favorites.  i love the 'les petites fairytales' series, and that pink bunny is one of the pages of a book about hugs.  it looks like half a book, but when you open it up it's little stuffed animals with their arms open haha!  the 'happy' book had amazing chalk drawings of fish with different emotions.  whenever we read that one we had to sing the song 'happy' by pharrell williams, which is one of my family's favorites.  and of course we love finding books about Jesus at the library.  I really do enjoy living here because of things like that.

i really liked the 'rosie sprout's time to shine' book.  the pictures were so so cute!

The movies we got were We're Not Married (caught my fancy as we browsed), Ariel's Beginnning (seen), Emma Smith, My Story (seen), and The Odd Life of Timothy Green (been wanting to see).

We're Not Married:  This was one of those movies that said "STARRING MARILYN MONROE" and then only had her in it for about ten minutes.  It had Ginger Rogers in it who I love, so that was good.  The movie description for it says, "In separate stories, five wedded couples learn that they are not legally married."  It was actually not a very satisfying movie to me until the end.  I'm all about true love and fairy tale endings and this wasn't the one for that.  There was kind of a cynical tone about marriage throughout, which is really just not my thing.  The last couple whose story they told made up for some of that because they were truly in love and wanted to 'stay' married.  I didn't hate it, but didn't love it either.  Good to watch once or twice.

this is when the last couple get married over radio transmission while the husband is in the navy at sea.  it was so sweet!

Ariel's Beginning:  I know people rag on Disney sequels, but I like some of them!  What's wrong with making expanding the story about a character everyone loves?  Especially kids.  That's how I feel.  Maybe they are not as good a quality as the original but I hate when people say they're terrible.  Anyway, enough with the rant.  This is a REALLY fun movie about Ariel's back story.  It talks more about her mother and her relationships with her sisters.  And it's just so funny!  I love Disney.  I highly recommend it!


Emma Smith, My Story:  Whenever I need inspiration I can turn to Emma Smith.  This movie always warms my heart and strengthens me in my faith.  I've learned that I draw strength from strong women.  And I think my idea of a strong woman is different from the world's.  I don't mean women who are confrontational, or who make a big deal out of equality between men and women.  I admire women who know their true worth and don't feel the need to always be fighting about something.  Emma fought so many private battles that she didn't yell and scream about, didn't try to get attention for.  I view her as a strong woman because she knew who she was.  Anyways…maybe more of my thoughts on this in another post someday.  This is one movie I am determined to own one day.


The Odd Life of Timothy Green:  This movie was interesting.  It all seemed like a cross between Bridge To Teribithia, Dan in Real Life, Big Fish and any other chill but magical movie.  I liked the feel of it, but the story was kind of random to me, not really what I expected.  It was kind of a commentary on parenting…Timothy was the practice run for this couple who wanted to adopt.  They were able to smooth out some of their rough edges with parenting before they had their own real kid.  So it was interesting, but not my favorite.  I did enjoy watching it though, and especially because of the nature throughout the movie.  It got me excited for spring, summer, and fall!  Leaves and trees and flowers.  We're starting a garden soon and it got me in the mood for that!