So around midnight last night Andrew and I had one of those late night laughing attacks that I thought were mostly for the single days.  Nope.  It was a very random inside joke but for some reason it sent us over the edge.  So much so that we had to get out of bed and come in the living room so we wouldn’t wake Audrey up.  I’ll never forget how much Andrew was laughing.  He pushed his face into the pillow several times, calmed down and thought he was done only to chuckle once more and send himself over the edge again.  Contagious.  It was so fun to be bent over in laughter once we came out to the living room, hitting each other, bumping into each other, hugging during it, almost crying.  And we recognized that it was not that funny.  But for some reason it was.  I think maybe we needed it.  

Andrew is my bestest best best friend.  This was a reminder of that.  Thinking about that this morning also got me thinking about another time when our best friend-ness came through in our marriage.  It was when we were trying to induce labor by walking around the Tanforan mall for hours.  We decided to count how many stores we went to and we estimated that we would go to about 7 or 8 I think.  And we ended up with 22!!!  We didn’t buy a single thing, just walked around holding hands showing each other things, laughing, talking about funny things, talking about our baby, our likes, our dislikes, good memories, sharing our interests.  I remember being in a store that was selling nice paintings and showing him the ones I liked saying how I hope we can have things like that in our future home someday when we have more money.  Walking around 9 months pregnant for 3 hours didn’t induce labor at all- turns out labor was still about a week away.  But it did give us some good happy happy happy time together before our life was about to drastically change.  I think those times are the cement of a relationship.  The things that fill in the cracks between the bricks of a house.  The bricks being the big life events that happen, like having a baby, moving to a new place, getting a big grown up job.  The house being the life that we are building together.  “Come what may and love it,” said Elder Wirthlin.  Endure to the end, but endure it well.  That’s something I learned about more than a year ago.  There is a scripture that says, “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” So, don't just endure, but endure WELL.  I think this is what enduring it well means.  

Last night Andrew finally officially felt her!  I don’t know if we can call it kicking even, but he felt her.  And he had a way of finding right where she was when she would move.  He knew right where her head was, he could feel it.  I don’t even know for sure where any part of her is, but he does.  It seems like he has an instinct for knowing where she is.  Hopefully that continues throughout life.  It was amazing and one of the best parts of this whole experience so far.  Ill never forget him feeling her for the first time, both our faces just suddenly wide eyed and gasping a huge smile at each other.  Staring into each other’s eyes with his hand on my stomach both of us so excited by every tiny flinch.  We could easily pass an hour like that.  We would start to talk a little bit once she had stopped but in an instant were silent and wide eyed again.  Every few minutes.  We’re both just so enthralled with this little person.  The simplest thing she does…I guess it will be this way for a long time!  With every tiny milestone she reaches…we will freak right out!

It was an interesting little thing to experience to be looking into each other’s eyes but all our attention was not on each other at all.  It was on her.  Again, how I assume it will be for a long time.  I’ve been very nervous about that part of having a baby…feeling our relationship with each other change and shift to our relationship focusing all on the baby.  So many people have talked about that and how hard it is.  So I’ve been mourning the loss of time together, mourning what I thought of as the loss of the just Hillary and Andrew relationship.  But laying there yesterday and experiencing the beginning of that very thing…I didn’t feel like mourning at all.  We both felt like celebrating!  Because we are together and a baby is coming to be with us, and even though most of our attention was not on each other, our love for each other grew!  It’s the amazing-est thing.  I can’t wait to see him with her!  He's going to be the best Dad ever!!

Oh what in the world is she going to look like?!  Blue eyes with brown hair???  Brown eyes with red hair???  Green eyes with blonde hair???  The possibilities really are endless with the Hanaike/Dobbins gene pools combined.

Here is her current wardrobe (I feel kinda silly...but this is MY blog and I do what I want!!!  I was like a kid on Christmas morning when I was taking these pictures):  

Almost all the clothes we have for her make it look like we're having a boy

With each new addition to her wardrobe I get a new addition of excitement!

Journal Entry from 1/7/13

Spending time just now on skype with Addy and Julia made me so happy and excited for this baby.  I’ve been excited but not in the same way as before the miscarriage.  I've been more cautious about my feelings.  But seeing that little Adelaide smiling so big at Julia and seeing Julia just relishing each turning corner of her little baby mouth was priceless and I just couldn’t help getting so happy and excited to have mine!!!  I skype with them everyday, but this time for some reason my heart started a-fluttering for my own little baby girl.  The perfect little lips and soft cheeks that I will kiss kiss kiss all day long.  Im so happy right now.

This song from the Disney movie The Rescuers says what I feel right now as I wait for her.  




I want her to know that someone's waiting for her.  A lot of someones.  We're all waiting for her here, to love her and to have her with us.  This song also gives me personal comfort through this ordeal.  Because as I wake up sick, as I look at our messy house, and as I have all these overwhelming responsibilities and worries and emotions--- I know that there is someone waiting for me at the other end of all of it.  So, I think the parts in this lovely song that say "be brave" are really more for me right now than for her.  Because when I get discouraged I have to just keep going and think about the girl who is waiting to love me as much as I am waiting to love her.  

This picture just shows our early love at it’s best.  We’ve been through some hard things together now and I think our smiles are a little more grown up, but we will always be those people from before.  I love this picture now, it’s one of my favorites.  We were sooooo happy to have each other and now we are sooo happy to have each other still and to have a manifestation of our love coming soon for us to hold and cuddle and love forever more.

Andrew is the single most important person in the world to me and I to him and that’s how it should be, always always always and forever.  Heavenly Father and Jesus are the only ones above that.  So I made a decision today to stop holding back and put all that love into my relationship with Andrew, give all of it to him.  That will only make our love for our future child that much stronger.  I don’t have to have two separate relationships of love…I mean like I don’t have to long for this baby alone and feel like I'm lonely without it.  I have Andrew and we both long for this baby together.  Together together together.  Invest all my love in him and I never need to feel empty or sad.  It’s interesting because I was just reading about Hannah from the Bible and her devastation about being barren.  Its true that Andrew wont be able to fill that longing in me for being a mother, and Hannah’s story talks about how her husband Elkanah couldn’t either and how he couldn’t understand why.  But this part of her story ends with her knowing that God would either grant her request or fill that empty hole in her heart with His love.  So that must be why it works together in marriage, loving God more than your spouse...because it only makes you love your spouse more and makes your relationship better all the time.  I love Andrew and I want to respect and serve him always.  I didn’t marry him just so I could have kids, I married him so that I could be with him forever.

This is an excerpt from a blessing Emma Smith wrote out for herself:

“I desire with all my heart to honor and respect my husband as my head, ever to live in his confidence and by acting in unison with him retain the place which God has given me by his side..."

 That’s how I feel about Andrew sometimes, that I desire with all my heart to retain the blessing of being beside Andrew through all things.  He is so good and I am so lucky and blessed to have him as my husband.  From God.  God gave Andrew to me and me to him and I cant believe it.  Andrew is so good and kind to me.  I had no idea this entry was going in this direction, but I'm so glad it did.  I’d like to ponder and write more about how I feel about Emma’s blessing, parts like about how she wants to care well for her body so she can always have the energy to serve and fulfill all she promised to do her on earth.  But for now in continuing to think of Andrew, a song comes to my mind by Carrie Underwood.  Called mama’s song,  but it is not so much about a mother."

Mama, you taught me to do the right things

So now you have to let your baby fly

You've given me everything that I will need

To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up

And only want what's best for me

And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good

He treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me

Giving me away is not goodbye

As you watch me walk down to my future

I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good

And he treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up

I'll only want what's best for her

And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers

And that she'll say

He is good, so good

And he treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

"Through pain comes growth" 

says little Gracie Sheffield from The Nanny.  My journal often proves to me that thats very very true.