Journal moments

Sometimes I really just wish I blogged more often.  It's not that I don't have time, it's just that sometimes I have things to say and sometimes I don't- okay actually that last part is not true, it's just hard to take the time to write everything I want to say.  I write so much in my journal though so I guess that is an okay thing to do instead of blogging.  It's a place where I can write more personal stuff.  Although, sometimes I think about posting some of my journal entries on here just so I can make this blog meaningful and about the real us, the things we really are going through.  Not just events we attend...I like blogging about those, but I don't want that to be all.

I haven't blogged about having the miscarriage at all I don't think, and we'll just have to see whether or not I ever end up doing that.  But during the aftermath of it I got some important thoughts down in my journal that I'd like to share.  The whole miscarriage, the before and after of it, was an important experience for us to have as a couple and for me to have individually for a number of reasons.  This September entry tells about one of the lessons I learned from it.

"I'm just so sad because I know that I want that immediate adoration from a baby and for them to depend on me completely.  I'll feel so important.  Im longing for that I think.  But today while I was walking home and I was thinking about that, one of the things I said to myself was that I feel like I have all this love inside me and no place to put it, no one to give it to.  Then I suddenly felt stupid.  No one to give it to? Seriously?  Who stayed home from all his classes today to help me when I was sick?  Who does the dishes makes dinner for me when im tired?  Who serves me night and day when I am just plain lazy?  Who gives me all the love he has in his heart day in and day out?  I think what I realized is that I have been holding back some love from Andrew lately through all this emotional 'trauma'.  This thought breaks my heart because he is the most important person in the world to me.  

Andrew is the single most important person in the world to me and I to him and that’s how it should be, always always always and forever.  Heavenly Father and Jesus are the only ones above that.  So I made a decision today to stop holding back and put all that love into my relationship with Andrew, give all of it to him.  That will only make our love for our future child that much stronger.  I don’t have to have two separate relationships of love…I mean like I don’t have to long for this baby alone and feel like I'm lonely without it.  I have Andrew and we both long for this baby together.  Together together together.  Invest all my love in him and I never need to feel empty or sad.  It’s interesting because I was just reading about Hannah from the Bible and her devastation about being barren.  Its true that Andrew wont be able to fill that longing in me for being a mother, and Hannah’s story talks about how her husband Elkanah couldn’t either and how he couldn’t understand why.  But this part of her story ends with her knowing that God would either grant her request or fill that empty hole in her heart with His love.  So that must be why it works together in marriage, loving God more than your spouse...because it only makes you love your spouse more and makes your relationship better all the time.  I love Andrew and I want to respect and serve him always.  I didn’t marry him just so I could have kids, I married him so that I could be with him forever.

This is an excerpt from a blessing Emma Smith wrote out for herself:

“I desire with all my heart to honor and respect my husband as my head, ever to live in his confidence and by acting in unison with him retain the place which God has given me by his side..."

 That’s how I feel about Andrew sometimes, that I desire with all my heart to retain the blessing of being beside Andrew through all things.  He is so good and I am so lucky and blessed to have him as my husband.  From God.  God gave Andrew to me and me to him and I cant believe it.  Andrew is so good and kind to me.  I had no idea this entry was going in this direction, but I'm so glad it did.  I’d like to ponder and write more about how I feel about Emma’s blessing, parts like about how she wants to care well for her body so she can always have the energy to serve and fulfill all she promised to do her on earth.  But for now in continuing to think of Andrew, a song comes to my mind by Carrie Underwood.  Called mama’s song,  but it is not so much about a mother."

Mama, you taught me to do the right things

So now you have to let your baby fly

You've given me everything that I will need

To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up

And only want what's best for me

And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good

He treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me

Giving me away is not goodbye

As you watch me walk down to my future

I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good

And he treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up

I'll only want what's best for her

And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers

And that she'll say

He is good, so good

And he treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

"Through pain comes growth" 

says little Gracie Sheffield from The Nanny.  My journal often proves to me that thats very very true.