this beautiful life

Monday, August 27, 2012

Another summer's end

Side By Side August 27, 2012 Life in Provo , 0 Comments

Yesterday life got better. Because it rained. Which means that summer is almost over. Which means that we officially have been here for a year. School has started for everyone, so I guess technically summer is already over. But what I want is for the summer weather to go away. Most people dread the end of summer but I've been looking forward to it since it began. I hate living in heat. I'm not made for it. I don't like walking outside and feeling like I'm walking into an oven. I don't know how to dress in it. I love jackets.

The rain yesterday was a cool drizzle and there was a light wind. The wind was still a little too warm for me, but with the rain it was the perfect balance. I love rain. I love the sound of it, the smell, the way it feels after such a long time of hot hot hot. It didn't last very long, but when the sun came out a few minutes later and everything was still wet, it looked beautiful. I wished so so so bad that we had a balcony or a porch. Hopefully someday we will and hopefully we will live in a lovely rainy or foggy place. We've talked about living in Daly City or Seattle. I've also heard amazing things about New Hampshire weather from my friend Olivia. I'm definitely a foggy beach day kind of person. Anything fog or rain. Why can't fall be year round?

Andrew opened the door and the light beckoned us out...

to where the trees glowed...

and to where the ground sparkled...

and SHONE...

and even made this look pretty.

and the trees looked like this.

and afterwards the sky looked like this.

and the mountains looked like this.

and the grass looked like this.

and this. The prettiest green I've eva seen.

Can't you just hear the MoTab when you look at this picture?

Life is just going to be so good.

And soon enough I'll be back home to this happiness.

Someday I'll probably do a whole post dedicated to that fabulous fog. It may look dreary to some of you sunshine people out there...but to me it looks like heaven.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

My Grandpa

Side By Side August 26, 2012 Family , 1 Comments

I'm not usually one to blog about the events of my life- I'm not as good at paying a tribute or describing an experience or event as my mom and sister are on their blogs....mostly I blog about my feelings about these events. So, I just wanted to say that I love my Grandpa quite a lot. I might end up blogging more about my feeling about him later on. But for now I just want to express my love for him. He was always wonderful to me. I always wanted to make him proud, and whenever I would get up to give a talk in sacrament meeting and I'd see him tearing up, I would feel like I had succeeded. For me there was nothing like seeing him cry. I love him still and I miss him. But I know I'll see him again someday, and until then I'll be keeping his picture close by so I can keep striving to make him proud of me. The thought of him makes me very happy. It still doesn't feel like he's gone. Around Christmas time it probably will.

Love you Grandpa. Always will.

"I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light." --Helen Keller

Side By Side August 26, 2012 Friends , Life in Provo 1 Comments

Right now, being away from family and all, I am very grateful for good friends. I've had some simple but sweet moments with friends that have really lifted my spirits lately. I'll be forever grateful to Heavenly Father for the girl friends I've found here. Sometimes you just need some girl time. Even if our friendships are someday reduced to little more than Christmas cards, I'm so glad that they are in my life right now.

My friend Kelsey and I both had grandparents die within a few days of each other. Her adorable Japanese Grandmother that I had heard so much about, and my dear wonderful Grandpa, who's always been a part of my life. God really does seem to work in mysterious ways because the fact that this happened to both of us at the same time has given us the chance to become closer. Andrew and I hung out with Kelsey and Jordan a few nights ago and us girls went on a walk together. It was just the two of us and we talked about our relationships with these grandparents and how much they meant to us. We were both past the crying stages, so we were able to talk happily and lovingly about them. I'm just so grateful for her and that time we spent together talking. Heavenly Father truly does put people in my life that make me feel just plain happy, even when talking about something that could be sad.

Our bishop's wife here in Provo was another God-send for me. I haven't interacted with her very much in the year we've been here, but just one conversation with her helped me continue to heal from the miscarriage emotionally. When I saw her coming towards me the first day we were back at church I started tearing up immediately. Maybe it's because I miss my mom so much, but a motherly hug from her, this woman I barely know, was something I didn't realize I needed. I tried hard not to let the tears actually fall as she talked to me, but feeling her care for me just...I don't know...made me feel really emotional. Because through this whole experience I've told myself that I need to be an adult about it in public and then I could have my own breakdowns with no one but Andrew in the privacy of our home. But my mom has always been the other person I would break down to. After a hard day of keeping it together at school, when I'd get home to her it would all break loose. Mom is like an emotional trigger for me. The sight of her or hearing her voice makes me suddenly not want to be an adult anymore. And so sitting with our bishop's wife in the middle of the chapel after sacrament meeting I felt the same way as the waters broke loose. I didn't want to be an adult about it anymore, I just wanted to cry and be hugged. You wouldn't have thought so to look at me, but his really was one of many healing moments for me. Anyone that knows me well knows that I welcome emotions. I'm so grateful for this woman. Sometimes I don't even remember her name, but I'll always remember that moment.

Moena is another good friend I've made since being here. Today was the first time we had seen each other since before the miscarriage, grandpa, and everything else that had happened to us. When she came and hugged me so tight I instantly just felt happy. I think it especially made me feel good because instead of the usual mingling after sacrament meeting with the people sitting near you, she made a bee-line for me to give me a hug and to talk. We talked again after church and she asked me questions about everything and it was just nice to feel like she cared. I know it's strange, but sometimes I do want to talk about it all. I want people to care. Maybe I'm still just as attention seeking as I was when I was four years old. Moena looked at me the entire time I talked, made eye contact and listened intently. I appreciate that she didn't act awkward and didn't pretend like it didn't happen. We made plans to hang out sometime soon and I left church just feeling so good.

I'm always so amazed at how uplifting such simple experiences can be. A listening ear, a mother's love, genuine concern, and a talk with someone who just knows how you feel. There are many other ways and many other people who have helped us through these experiences. Within two weeks our life has drastically changed from what we thought it would be. I've always known I could turn to my family and I've always known about how wonderful service in the church is. I guess being on the receiving end of it though, in a place that I never expected to love is what's getting to me now and bringing those emotions up again. We've been helped temporally and spiritually by so many people. I just hope that I make people feel as good about themselves and about life as these girls have made me feel.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Music to me

Side By Side August 16, 2012 Songs , Videos 0 Comments

I love these two songs.

I dream about singing this next song to my babies someday.

Look what I found!

Side By Side August 16, 2012 Random , 0 Comments

Thanks to my friend Michael Ann's awesome blog!!

I adore it.

She also has a tutorial on there for how to make this cute thing:

I hope to be creative someday and do things like this.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Real Love, Dreams, and Meaning It

Side By Side August 15, 2012 Family , Journal Moments 3 Comments

It's about 1:30 am here and I can't sleep. Sometimes I tend to keep myself awake as I try to find good things to dream about. Last night I had a dream about Andrew twirling me around in a garden. In the dream I looked like Judy Garland and Andrew looked like the guy who played Wild Bill Hickock in the Doris Day version of Calamity Jane. Yes, really. It was a strange dream, but I woke up feeling quite in love- with Andrew, don't worry. You know how in a dream a person doesn't always look like themselves but you know it's them?? That's what it was this time. In the dream there was no question in my mind that I was still me but I looked like Judy Garland. Likewise Andrew was still Andrew but he looked like the Bill guy. I guess this just proves that we are kindred spirits because we truly know each other's hearts! Well, it's romantic to me anyway....
Anyway, this dream made me stay up tonight trying to force other similar dreams to fall asleep to. First we were Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers twirling around on a dance floor. Then we were Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday. Ah, yes, I was a princess. Then we were every Disney princess couple there is.
This is why I am still up. Because I was having way too much fun. Imagining. I've been watching Anne of Green Gables lately and I think her imagination has rubbed off on me. I imagined every spin and every twirl, every ball gown and every romantic moment. Gosh how I love movies.

However, as romantic and fun each of these little dream sequences has been, I am happy that we are Andrew and Hillary and not any of these other people. We've been through a lot lately. And if Andrew wasn't Andrew I would be a complete Hillary. Throughout some of the struggles we've had lately, mom has said to Andrew a few times, "I'm so glad she married you." His parents recently have also expressed how glad they are that Andrew married me. So many things lately have gotten us thinking about this marriage thing and what it really means. In the early stages of our marriage we would say things to each other like "I'm so excited to go through life with you" or "I love the thought of growing old with you" or even "I can't wait to go through trials together." We now are starting to realize the weight all those statements really carried. And what our wedding vows really meant.

We're past the honeymoon stage, maybe not exactly newlyweds anymore, and we're finding out what it means to actually go through life together, trials and all. As we talked about this, one thought kept returning to my mind over and over again. "Good thing we meant it." I guess because we're figuring out what "meaning it" means.
When I think about these lovely movies at this point in life, they don't seem as romantic as they once did. Because a dashing hero saving a damsel in distress doesn't symbolize real love to me anymore. My grandma and grandpa taking care of each other does. The only movie that might do this kind of love justice is Up. Carl and Ellie Fredrickson.

So much has happened to Andrew and I recently. We feel like we've lost a lot in the past two weeks. It's all been sudden. And very hard for us each individually.

But we know that what we've been experiencing through it all is that real love. And really realizing that we meant every word we said on our wedding day. And also realizing that this is just the beginning. We know we're going to go through sooo much more. I always loved watching my Grandma and Grandpa being married because I thought they were just such a cute old couple together. But now I realize how deeply they love each other. They were married for 64 years before Grandpa passed away and through every trial their love grew. 64 years together.

Andrew and I have only been married for one year and two months and our love for each other has grown tenfold in just the last two weeks of trials. I can't imagine the kind of love that comes after 64 years. It's like that Brad Paisley song "Then." I may think that Andrew and I love each other now...but I'm pretty sure that I have no idea how much we will love each other someday.

"I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yet
but I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And i remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there once again,
I thought I loved you then
And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then"

I'm grateful for the examples of real live, real love I've had in my life. Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad, Julia and Lester, Bonnie and EJ, Natalie and Ray, my aunts and uncles on both sides, and so many of my church leaders that I have and haven't met. I still enjoy my fairytales and romantic movies. But as Forrest Gump said to Jenny, "I may not be a smart person. But I know what love is." Now, that is. I know what love is now. Love is a life together. Like Tevye and Golde from Fiddler on the Roof, "Do I love him? For twenty-five years I've lived with him, fought him, starved with him, twenty-five years my bed is his, if that's not love, what is?"

If this is not love, what is?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Another summer's end

Sunday, August 26, 2012

My Grandpa

"I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light." --Helen Keller

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Music to me

Look what I found!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Real Love, Dreams, and Meaning It

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