A Sad Vent

The vertigo episodes have gotten worse.  I've had one about every day for the last week and a half, with no signs of letting up.  The medicine I'm supposed to take for it is a combination pill of two different medicines.  I can only take one of the medicines while breastfeeding and then I can start the combination pill when I stop.  I've been on the one called hydroclorothiazide for the past month and it obviously has not helped at all, just like the low sodium diet.  So I need to take the combination pill as soon as possible to see if that will be the answer.

So now...

I have to wean Hannah and I'm heartbroken about it.  I know that it may seem like a silly thing to be so devastated about...but I love nursing.  Maybe those of you who love it too can understand.  For some reason it has meant so much to me to be able to provide this for my babies.  I feel a special connection to them being able to do this.  I feel so good about my body, the insecurities that normally beset me become dormant while I'm a nursing mother because I am just so happy with and proud of my body for it.  I find it so convenient and so relaxing.  It gives her all the things that will help her body grow strong and then some.  It makes me feel like a good mom.  Whenever I think about weaning her the words that come to my head are, "But I love her."  

Now I know that I can still be a good mom, a great one, without breastfeeding.  I know that everything will be okay.  I really do know that.  And I really do know that I need to stop nursing...for my health but also for the safety and good of my family.  I'd of course rather not breastfeed if it means that I might fall with Hannah in my arms and risk hurting her.  Or if it means that I'm throwing up and unable to move for hours, leaving everything to Audrey to try and feed and entertain herself.  Or if it means having a sudden vertigo episode while driving and risking the lives of my precious babies.  I've got my priorities straight.  I know that it's important.  So I'm going to do it.  But...I'm still sad and I just need to get this out.

I think another reason I feel badly about it is because of the breastfeeding craze there is out there right now.  Breastfeeding is not just encouraged, we're made to feel like it's mandatory in order for your kid's body to develop properly.  And I know their are very beneficial things a baby gets from breastmilk.  But when I sit at our pediatrician's office and read a poster all about the amazing things that breastfeeding does and how basically my kid is going to die or have major health problems for the rest of her life if I don't nurse her...you can see why women who don't do it for one reason or another feel guilty and judged.  I think there needs to be more understanding, less shoving it in mother's faces, and less bragging about it by the moms who are able to be successful with it for a year or more.

So I am reluctant and I've only given about a fourth of the effort I should give to getting Hannah to take a bottle.  I quit trying really quickly because, well, I don't want her to take a bottle in the first place!  So I'm going to California in a few weeks and my mom is going to help me wean her.  My mom has been so encouraging and validating making sure that I know that it won't make a difference in my relationship with Hannah whatsoever.  That I can still hold her and rock her and look into her eyes as I feed her formula from a bottle.  I can be right there for her in the same way, making her know that I love and adore her and am doing this for her as much as for myself.