TULIPS

Tonight Audrey had a big screaming fit after bedtime.  She had gotten up to use the bathroom and decided to play in there instead of going back to bed afterwards.  It escalated quickly between me and her and soon she had lost it and I was trying hard not to lose it myself.  I was having trouble controlling my temper.  

That is just the worst feeling.  To feel SO much anger towards this little person who I love and adore so much.  I always feel somewhere between sobbing my heart out and kicking and screaming myself. I know she's just still learning how to have self control.  But in the moment sometimes you just feel like they should know better than this- that she SHOULD have the maturity to deal with this frustration without such a tantrum.  But then I remember that she doesn't yet.  She's only four.

Anyways, in these moments I launch into an automatic, almost mindless prayer in my head.  "Help me calm down Heavenly Father, help me be the adult here, help me know what to do."  And help does come. This time it came from a memory of an Ensign article I read once upon a time.  

One of the main reasons I was so upset with her in this moment was because this whole ordeal was eating up my precious PRECIOUS alone time this evening.  Even Eli was asleep already and I was having a wonderful chance to get some things done.  Until this.  I honestly don't think I would've been half as upset if it had been during the day.  I realized that I was feeling pretty resentful towards her.  Then a question came to my head from this article 

"Are you raising children or tulips?"

 

The story is of a mom who had carefully planted and cultivated her tulip garden for a long time.  It had taken her a lot of work to get the tulips to grow at all and they were finally flourishing.  One day her four year old daughter and her little friend came inside with arms full of tulips they had picked, proudly announcing that they had picked them for her.  They had picked every last one and the garden was in shambles.  The mom was so sad and frustrated that all her hard work on the garden had been destroyed.  Later she was talking to her own mom about how upset she was, throwing herself a pity party, when her mom simply said 

"Well, it's a good thing you're raising children and not flowers."

That's the quote that came to my mind when I was feeling angry and so sorry for myself about losing my alone time.  It helped me calm down and remember how precious PRECIOUS Audrey is to me, FAR more precious than sewing pillowcases or painting a picture- these are my TULIPS.  These are good things, but they are not the most important things.  I'm raising children not tulips.  Even after bedtime, I'm still a mother first.  

Things went better from there and soon I received another very tearful remorseful apology from her (which made me praise the Lord that He helped keep my temper, because I would've felt SO much regret right then if I had lost control at all), a hug, a kiss, one last tuck into bed, and a final goodnight.

I know Heavenly Father loves His children, including me.  He helps me daily with these things and I'm so grateful to have a relationship with Him and with Jesus.  Who love me and my family more than I can comprehend.