Journal, Memoir, and Seaside Dream

So I'm trying to decide how real I want to get on this blog.  I always say that I guess and I think it's because I write faithfully in my journal to get things out, good and bad, but sometimes my journal is too private for the great things that happen to me.  So I want to tell people about them without actually telling them and without telling absolutely everybody.  Because these are important private things...but there has gotta be something in between private and public...and I guess this blog is it for me.  It's like, if you take the time to read it then I am humbled by your attention and am happy to share these things with you.  If you don't then that's totally fine- the feeling is mutual I guess.  If you don't want to read it then I don't want you to read it, you know?  Mostly it's because I want to tell my family.  So here goes.

I've been going through some depression of late.  It's private, it's personal, it's confusing.  There are several different factors, some of them being Menieres and the difficulties we've encountered this year, as well as deeper things like self esteem issues and anxiety.  And Andrew and I have found someone to talk to about it.  Andrew is sticking with me through it all, despite this being his last and busiest semester.  He is always there for me.  Marriage has not always been what I expected, but it has been more fulfilling than I could ever have imagined.  It is definitely worth everything it costs.  And more.

So when I get to this point of wanting to share something private on here it's usually because it's a good thing and it deserves to be shared.  This time is no different.  I had a good moment, a really really good moment that I need to remember.  And I need to tell my mom about it on here.  Here is my journal entry from today:

Jan 21

·       I had a long overdue moment last night when I got up to read because I couldn’t sleep (this has led me to the goal to turn off the tv by 9 or 9:30 and read for the rest of the time until bedtime.  Hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep easier and not feel so unsettled).  The moment was with 3 books: my mom’s Hillary journal, my grandpa’s memoir, and a children’s book called Seaside Dream.  The 3 of these together helped me to find myself again so to speak.  I really do feel like I’ve lost myself.  That’s what this depression has done to me in one way.  I feel like a different person.  I didn’t realize how much until I was with these books.  As I read and teared up with each book about different things I felt like I was somehow opened up again and myself came rushing back into my heart.  I read of my mom’s love for me as a child, teenager, and adult and that was defining.  Silly stories about little toddler Hillary and then thinking about my little toddler Audrey and my baby Hannah.  It then made me think of my love for my daughters, seeing myself as their loving mother, seeing myself as they see me and that was defining.  I read Seaside Dream which took me to the ocean which was defining because it’s a part of me, my whole childhood played out by the sea.  It was about a little Polynesian girl and her Polynesian grandma and their special relationship.  I felt deeply of my relationship with my Grandma Chandler and what her love has meant to me the last little while and that was defining.  But also from this book, the girl looking a little bit like I did when I was young, I felt love for my Polynesian heritage, pride in my body type, peacefulness and love for who I am soul AND body.  Thinking about my Grandma Hanaike.  Wanting so desperately to know more about her life.  Love for those who came before me.  Love for family history.  Happiness in knowing that my body right now is a source of comfort for my girls.  To be cradled in and held.  If I’m large and soft and squishy and untoned, then all the better to be hugged by.  All of this was defining.  And then Grandpa’s book felt comfortable and familiar.  In it an example of a strong woman- Grandma Chandler as a young mother getting it all done.  Reading about how their life played out when Andrew and I are right here snack dab in the middle of ours, dealing with things they dealt with and loving the way that they loved, and looking forward to the future the way they did.  And I am a part of that future they looked forward to.  And that was defining. 

So…I found myself.  I feel like shouting it from the rooftops singing a song at the top of my lungs.  I feel like squeezing my girls as tight as I can and I feel like writing a whole journal for each of them right now about how much I love them and always will, telling them all the things my mom told me last night in that journal.  And all the things Grandpa told me in his book.  And all the things the author told me from that children’s book.  And all the things Heavenly Father told me when he combined those 3 books as I sat on the couch in a blanket at midnight and made me that moment.  Now, today the next day, I’ve had a peaceful nap time of theirs, cleaning and cool air coming in our windows and Anne and Lucy on the TV and feeling real happiness again, contented and relaxed loving of my life, and actually NOT worrying about the feeling passing too quickly, as I always do.  And I haven’t felt this in such a long long time. 

I know that this doesn't mean that I'm all better and I'm not expecting this to be this big permanent turn around.  But I know that in the middle of difficulties there are little patches of light as we go through them and this was one of those for me.  And I have faith that they will continue to come every now and then to keep hope alive.  Lead, kindly light, lead thou me on!