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I'm a complainer. I feel the need to address that before diving into this post. There. It has been addressed.
I guess I could've summed it up by saying, "Hope you know……….I'm having a hard time."
Lately I've been struggling a lot with deep feelings of inadequacy, failure to live up to what I feel like I'm supposed to be right now. With housework, with motherhood, with my appearance, with church, with friendship. I'm feeling a lack of strength in who I am. I think one of my greatest weaknesses in life is comparing myself. Always, constantly. I've always had a hard time just accepting myself the way I am. I think I have perfectionist tendencies. The state of our house doesn't convey that at all, but the pressure I feel does. We just moved and are taking very long to get our house completely together. So I assume that is contributing to me feeling unable to be organized and…sane.
I'm a very needy wife. I'm not one of those women who can keep everything together during the day without my husband home. I hope I can get to that point someday…because I think I will need to when Andrew has a job that I can't just call him home from if I'm having a really hard day. But for now…this is just how it's gonna be. Andrew never complains and he would never call me needy. But I feel it personally nonetheless. The whole "I should be able to handle this, why can't I handle this" phenomenon.
I've been surprised at how hard being a stay-at-home mom is. It's all I've wanted for my life…so I guess I've always just expected to love it when I got there. I didn't expect that so many days would spent despairingly counting down the hours till my husband got home. It's not because of Audrey. Honestly. She is the light in all the gloom I sometimes feel. I don't mind diaper changes and playing with her all day. I thoroughly enjoy her company (while still welcoming nap time when it comes, of course) and I love being with her all day. She is my little companion.
The hardships I feel I'm struggling with are more personal, a lot of conflicts going on in my mind. Feeling goal-less, but trying desperately to not overwhelm myself with personal little projects (because I get overwhelmed very very easily). Getting cabin fever, but at the same time having no desire to go anywhere or be seen or make an effort to go find something to do out of the house. Wishing I could be in school, but feeling petrified at the thought of even the slightest bit of work, even one little class, adding to my already tiring easily overwhelmed life. Those are just three examples.
With all of this going on in my head I usually don't attribute it to pregnancy….because I simply forget that I'm pregnant. I'm still plenty sick and such. It's mostly just that in the moment of me feeling and thinking too much I forget that I'm pregnant and I just despair because it just feels like this is how I am now, this is how life is going to be permanently. I more often than not forget that a lot of this emotional hopelessness I feel can probably be attributed to my crazy hormones right now. I hope so.
But then even if it is…what about after the baby is born? Cabin fever will only increase. Messy house will only get messier. Audrey's needs will suddenly need to be juggled with new baby's needs. I'm afraid I will lose what little ability I have now to make an effort with my appearance. And then I won't want to see anyone. Or I will want to see people, have friends to talk to, but I'll be too embarrassed, too self conscious to do it or even let it happen if someone else solicits it.
I think it's obvious that I have too much going through my head right now. I've been wondering if this post is too personal for this blog, too depressing and confusing. Putting too much of my very personal self out there. I guess what this post is for is to see who else has felt this way. And if there's anything I can do about it. Is there a such thing as pre-partum depression? Or is that still just called pregnancy? Could this be post-partum depression from Audrey's birth? I've heard that you can develop it any time in the first year…we found out about this baby a month before Audrey's first birthday. So I don't know, maybe I never fully got the hang of life again before this new baby starting playing with my emotions.
I love my babies. I love my husband. I love Jesus Christ and I love Heavenly Father. I feel like I've always been a pretty optimistic person throughout life. I read my scriptures and I pray a lot. I listen to Conference talks, I talk to Andrew about how I'm feeling, I talk to my family regularly. I get Audrey and I outside for awhile at least once or twice a day. I watch good shows and listen to uplifting music and occasionally I do yoga, in a class at the library or by myself at home. And still I feel like this. I guess it is just pregnancy. But I want to know how to deal with this and do better than I have been doing lately. I'm not wallowing in bed all day. I'm just emotionally exhausted almost all the time. Physically too of course with pregnancy and taking care of Audrey. But I'd much rather be physically spent than emotionally spent.
Now I'm really tired after having written all this out.
I guess I could've summed it up by saying, "Hope you know……….I'm having a hard time."
Thank you and good night.
2 comments:
Well, you and I talked about a lot of this recently so I don't know how much I should comment here. Which is okay because maybe you want to hear from other people's experiences too. But I still want to say that yes, I believe I had "pre-partum depression" with a specific one of my pregnanies - that scared of life feeling. In reading this it does seem that you are completely in just this moment and having a hard time seeing, believing or remembering that things will not always be this way. I remember feeling that way - feeling like being sick, etc. was going to last forever. But you will feel better once you have this baby - tired, but better, and will eventually find a rhythm and feel like yourself again. I also remember being very afraid in the hospital, after each of you were born, as it was time to go home and adjust to my new life. But I did adjust and eventually felt healthy, competent and like my old self again. It might feel like this stage you are in will last forever but I promise it won't; someday it will feel like a short period of your life. You will adjust, get into a ryhthm, learn from your experiences and be an even stronger Hillary. And some day you will help Audrey and assure her that all will be well. And right now, as you are wanting to continue your education even though circumstances aren't right for it yet, remember that learning is a lifelong endeavor. There is so much you can study, teach yourself, take classes here and there, etc. etc. Life is great and is going to be great Hillary. Just keep on holding on. You will find strength you didn't know you had, and resources to help when you need them.
Love, Mom
Hillary,
I can relate to much of what you're saying here, but one thing I want to say is that even if I didn't fully understand it at the time, many of those feelings were chemicals my brain and body thought would be a good idea to manufacture. Post or pre-partum is a mess of messed up hormones, but sometimes we forget that and blame our feelings for the feelings we're feeling. I know I'm not saying it right, but if you could just remind yourself that many or most of your feelings are chemicals and not necessarily just thoughts, it might be a bit easier to wait them out. Because chemicals change and often go away just because they do and not because we start doing something good or righteous, necessarily. For example I will be lying in bed and feel a wash of depression or anxiety or dread and think I'm depressed, but it turns out to be a release of adrenaline or something that goes away in a minute and then I feel so relieved that it wasn't "in my head" after all. (I am taking heart medicine that has some icky side effects.) You can tell yourself and others can tell you how wonderful your life is, how much you love and are loved, how God is in his heaven and all is right with the world, but the chemicals aren't going to listen to all that. It's not easy to manage those feelings no matter where they come from, but for me, it helps to recognize that there are reasons the chemicals are behaving the way they are and those reasons will change. And then your feelings will change...after the baby is born, or your hormones straighten out, or you move into a new stage in your pregnancy, etc. It's not just some really general future prospect that "this too shall pass." Also, you know our bodies are nutritionally driven, so the right fuel for the right vehicle is important. For me, SUGAR is a wipe out all around. And I find natural feel-better things like chamomile or vitamin waters or whatever sometimes help a bit. And also, long hot baths. Being enveloped in water is my favorite natural healing. I hope you don't think I'm minimizing your feelings by saying this last part. I just think if you can figure out a way to stabilize the hormones naturally, you might find some relief. I don't know...it just helps me to know that feelings can be physical things.
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