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There are a lot of things on my mind lately and I feel the need to get them out here. I've grown to love this blog so much because it's a special little place where I can talk about the things of my heart. That's why there are so many pictures of Audrey and so many lovey dovey posts about Andrew on here when we were first married. But I also have grown to love it because it's a place where I can put the things of my mind as well. And so I begin…
The thought of taking a year off of school always seemed a bit silly to me. I've heard about how it is hard to get used to going to school again after being away from it and feeling that freedom from assignments and limitations that schooling presents. I believed all of that. It made sense. So I hoped to keep going till I was done and then leave school behind in a cloud of smoke as I blazed my trail through life, feeling relieved to have that part over. Now, however, I have a very different opinion.
It all started with Sense and Sensibility. I watched it those four times recently and it sent me off on a Jane Austen binge like no other. I've been reading whatever books of hers I can get my hands on and checking out all the different movie versions of these books from the library. I've been reading a book about reading her books for goodness sake. I simply cannot get enough! I've realized, especially in these last few days as I've been enjoying reading and thinking so very much, that I like to learn. I LOVE to learn! But the thing is…that love of learning only comes when it's something I WANT to learn about. And that realization didn't come until I had spent some time away from the classroom.
For most of my life I have considered myself to be, well...unambitious. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. Up until recently I've seen myself as being sort of simple minded, I guess. Not in a stupid way or anything, just in an unambitious way. Accepting most things I'm told, not challenging anything outwardly. I've never been openly opinionated about anything really and I guess I thought that was a mark of being ambitious. I hated math and science throughout school, was pretty okay at english and artsy things, but the only thing I knew was all I ever ever wanted from life was marriage and kids. This has always been my greatest desire and since being a wife and mother didn't require any schooling I never placed much importance on figuring out something to pursue educationally. I graduated from LDSBC with an Associates Degree and got far less than halfway through my Bachelors when I got pregnant and decided that I wanted to forgo my education for the growth of my family. This was my greatest desire and something I don't regret in the least. Make no mistake, friends, this is the life that I chose and a day has not yet come when I have even for a moment second guessed that choice. I'm truly happy with my decision to take advantage of the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I know that not everyone has that opportunity or interest, so please don't mistake my tone here to be one of judgement of those who aren't doing the same thing. I just really want to reiterate that I have no regrets.
It wasn't until my post-college days, though, that I've discovered a thirst for knowledge unlike anything I've encountered before. I think part of the reason has been that all those growing up years I had some serious misconceptions about knowledge in general and about what being ambitious meant. In my mind being smart meant you were good at math or science or both. It meant you got A's on papers. I remember in elementary school my friend Alfred Vong was writing in cursive and doing 4th grade level math in 3rd grade. In my mind he was ambitious because he was smart. I guess that's mainly what it was- I linked my own definition of ambition with my own definition of being 'smart.' I was a consistent B student as I remember, with the occasional A and the occasional C. So I thought I'd go to college, yes, but didn't know what I would study. Because to me college was mainly for math, science, and 30 page paper classes.
I subconsciously separated things into categories. Incorrect categories. I believed that hobbies were hobbies and skills were skills. Sewing is an example. In my mind it was a hobby, something that was essential for pioneer times but not a necessary-for-livelihood skill anymore. Not useful unless you were trying to save money on clothes or sew something for fun. Little did I know that there was a woman in Utah and thousands of others like her, making a living (a very comfortable living) by specializing in 'custom build-ups' for wedding dresses, who would someday create a beautiful corset back for my sister's wedding dress. It was her job, her very well paying job.
I guess what I thought was that if it was in the hobby category it wasn't something you could really do anything with for a real live grown up career. So, that thought was a big bummer for me because all the things I've been interested in have always been things I placed in the hobby category. Like art, reading, watching World War two movies. I was so wrong! And I'm so happy that I know that now.
But I carried these misconceptions with me to LDSBC where I obviously learned that there is a lot more to college than just math and science. But still I felt that to be successful in the world I had to distinguish myself somewhere in one of those categories. It all began to change my second semester there with one very small Art History class that I fell in love with. I had found something. Something I WANTED to learn about. And not even just wanted…had a thirst for. Since then I have found multiple things I'm extremely interested in. Literature, child development, painting and drawing, movies, family life, writing, church history, regular history, religious studies, anthropology, theater arts, even dance if I could.
Being away from school has awakened in me this great desire for knowledge. I'd been taking it for granted all those years because it was just always around. I was always in school, always doing papers and assignments and taking tests. Stepping away from it for these past two years has made such a difference for me. I've learned what learning is- it's not just math and science. It's what life is about.
That's why I've been loving the library so much lately. I'm so grateful for it. More grateful than I can express. You know when people use the phrase 'devouring a good book?' I always thought it was a little strange. But tonight I learned that there really is no other word to describe being so enthralled with a book that you physically feel that you cannot put it down, cannot tear your eyes away from it. I also realize that I've felt that way with other books as well. Namely the Children of the Promise book series, introduced to me by my older sister. Tonight though it's been that book I mentioned before, "A Jane Austen Education." It's this book that sparked this sudden need to express how much I love learning.
Someday I hope to go back to school. By then hopefully I'll have my list even more narrowed down. Hopefully my passions will become even more centered and I'll realize even more what I love and want to learn about more than anything else. I'm really enjoying this time of self discovery. It's making me itch to get back into a classroom. To have assignments and papers to do, books to read, a professor right in front of me to ask all my questions to. Oh how I love bookstores and museums. I could get lost in these for literally hours.
I'm grateful that I've had this time to realize these things and to find my passions. That's why I began this post talking about taking a year off after high school or whatever. I used to think it was a silly, lazy thing to do, but now I think it could be a very good and productive thing for people like me who don't yet know what options and possibilities are out there. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the joys of learning.
The thought of taking a year off of school always seemed a bit silly to me. I've heard about how it is hard to get used to going to school again after being away from it and feeling that freedom from assignments and limitations that schooling presents. I believed all of that. It made sense. So I hoped to keep going till I was done and then leave school behind in a cloud of smoke as I blazed my trail through life, feeling relieved to have that part over. Now, however, I have a very different opinion.
It all started with Sense and Sensibility. I watched it those four times recently and it sent me off on a Jane Austen binge like no other. I've been reading whatever books of hers I can get my hands on and checking out all the different movie versions of these books from the library. I've been reading a book about reading her books for goodness sake. I simply cannot get enough! I've realized, especially in these last few days as I've been enjoying reading and thinking so very much, that I like to learn. I LOVE to learn! But the thing is…that love of learning only comes when it's something I WANT to learn about. And that realization didn't come until I had spent some time away from the classroom.
For most of my life I have considered myself to be, well...unambitious. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. Up until recently I've seen myself as being sort of simple minded, I guess. Not in a stupid way or anything, just in an unambitious way. Accepting most things I'm told, not challenging anything outwardly. I've never been openly opinionated about anything really and I guess I thought that was a mark of being ambitious. I hated math and science throughout school, was pretty okay at english and artsy things, but the only thing I knew was all I ever ever wanted from life was marriage and kids. This has always been my greatest desire and since being a wife and mother didn't require any schooling I never placed much importance on figuring out something to pursue educationally. I graduated from LDSBC with an Associates Degree and got far less than halfway through my Bachelors when I got pregnant and decided that I wanted to forgo my education for the growth of my family. This was my greatest desire and something I don't regret in the least. Make no mistake, friends, this is the life that I chose and a day has not yet come when I have even for a moment second guessed that choice. I'm truly happy with my decision to take advantage of the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I know that not everyone has that opportunity or interest, so please don't mistake my tone here to be one of judgement of those who aren't doing the same thing. I just really want to reiterate that I have no regrets.
It wasn't until my post-college days, though, that I've discovered a thirst for knowledge unlike anything I've encountered before. I think part of the reason has been that all those growing up years I had some serious misconceptions about knowledge in general and about what being ambitious meant. In my mind being smart meant you were good at math or science or both. It meant you got A's on papers. I remember in elementary school my friend Alfred Vong was writing in cursive and doing 4th grade level math in 3rd grade. In my mind he was ambitious because he was smart. I guess that's mainly what it was- I linked my own definition of ambition with my own definition of being 'smart.' I was a consistent B student as I remember, with the occasional A and the occasional C. So I thought I'd go to college, yes, but didn't know what I would study. Because to me college was mainly for math, science, and 30 page paper classes.
I subconsciously separated things into categories. Incorrect categories. I believed that hobbies were hobbies and skills were skills. Sewing is an example. In my mind it was a hobby, something that was essential for pioneer times but not a necessary-for-livelihood skill anymore. Not useful unless you were trying to save money on clothes or sew something for fun. Little did I know that there was a woman in Utah and thousands of others like her, making a living (a very comfortable living) by specializing in 'custom build-ups' for wedding dresses, who would someday create a beautiful corset back for my sister's wedding dress. It was her job, her very well paying job.
I guess what I thought was that if it was in the hobby category it wasn't something you could really do anything with for a real live grown up career. So, that thought was a big bummer for me because all the things I've been interested in have always been things I placed in the hobby category. Like art, reading, watching World War two movies. I was so wrong! And I'm so happy that I know that now.
But I carried these misconceptions with me to LDSBC where I obviously learned that there is a lot more to college than just math and science. But still I felt that to be successful in the world I had to distinguish myself somewhere in one of those categories. It all began to change my second semester there with one very small Art History class that I fell in love with. I had found something. Something I WANTED to learn about. And not even just wanted…had a thirst for. Since then I have found multiple things I'm extremely interested in. Literature, child development, painting and drawing, movies, family life, writing, church history, regular history, religious studies, anthropology, theater arts, even dance if I could.
Being away from school has awakened in me this great desire for knowledge. I'd been taking it for granted all those years because it was just always around. I was always in school, always doing papers and assignments and taking tests. Stepping away from it for these past two years has made such a difference for me. I've learned what learning is- it's not just math and science. It's what life is about.
That's why I've been loving the library so much lately. I'm so grateful for it. More grateful than I can express. You know when people use the phrase 'devouring a good book?' I always thought it was a little strange. But tonight I learned that there really is no other word to describe being so enthralled with a book that you physically feel that you cannot put it down, cannot tear your eyes away from it. I also realize that I've felt that way with other books as well. Namely the Children of the Promise book series, introduced to me by my older sister. Tonight though it's been that book I mentioned before, "A Jane Austen Education." It's this book that sparked this sudden need to express how much I love learning.
Someday I hope to go back to school. By then hopefully I'll have my list even more narrowed down. Hopefully my passions will become even more centered and I'll realize even more what I love and want to learn about more than anything else. I'm really enjoying this time of self discovery. It's making me itch to get back into a classroom. To have assignments and papers to do, books to read, a professor right in front of me to ask all my questions to. Oh how I love bookstores and museums. I could get lost in these for literally hours.
I'm grateful that I've had this time to realize these things and to find my passions. That's why I began this post talking about taking a year off after high school or whatever. I used to think it was a silly, lazy thing to do, but now I think it could be a very good and productive thing for people like me who don't yet know what options and possibilities are out there. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the joys of learning.
Whoever finds wisdom finds life.
Proverbs 8:35
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