Waiting for night, sacred night

The last few hours today have been “wishing I could hide from my kids” kind of hours.  I've heard it called by other moms around here "the witching hour," the one that lasts the longest and is the craziest because it's the last hour to get through before daddy gets home.  

It’s almost 5 here and Eli would not take his nap no matter what I did AND he didn’t want to play with toys AND he wasn’t satisfied just being held or carried around with me.  In the midst of that Hannah had two accidents one of which was poop in her panties.  Now there is popcorn all over my side of the bed because they all wanted snacks and that’s what was easiest, because I didn’t want to go downstairs to the other messes I’ve been avoiding.  Although, it actually isn’t in too bad condition the last few days because of some hard work on my part, especially yesterday.  I got a lot done and I’m pretty happy with myself for it. 

Anyways.  Now Eli is finally asleep and I have a lot I’ve been trying to do this whole time of him fighting me- meal planning, painting, folding laundry, sweeping, reading stories to them, and most importantly scripture/spiritual study- but instead of doing any of that I’m writing in my journal/blog.  I needed a return to sanity and resurge of loving myself, not feeling frustrated or guilty and just the overall ‘it’s okay’ feeling my journal gives me. 

Now a little while later I got some meal planning done, read some blogs that made me happy, and caught up on some texts. And I picked up Hannah as she kept her eyes glued to the TV and I hugged her, my face by her neck and curly brown hair- and she smelled like summer for some reason.  It’s coming……

Smelled like summer and childhood and home and curls all wrapped up in a Sofia t-shirt and a polka dot skirt.

Days are hard sometimes.  Because of that I wish I could describe every good moment of every day to remember it and keep it with me.  

Today it was this conversation with Hannah:

(Hannah feeling grumpy about some random thing (not getting a snack maybe?))

H: “I don’t wanna be in this family.”

Me: “Uh oh.  If you’re gonna start talking like that we wont be allowed to watch Coco anymore.”

H: “I do wanna be in this family.”

Me: “You do or don’t?”

H: “I DO wanna be in this family.  I wanna be in it forever and I’ll never leave you, I’ll never run away I promise because I’m yours and I won't go and I'm with this family and I'm yours.”

Me: (attacking her with hugs and kisses) “Oh good!  I never want you to leave me, I need you in our family forever and ever.”

H: “Because I’m yours mom.”

Me: "Yes yes yes.  Forever."

All of it, even the nice sweet parts, were said with a grumpy face and a mumbly little kind of baby talk voice.  She warms my heart and I want to always warm hers.  Now I’m sitting here dreaming about her smile when, even in moments of grumpiness, she can’t help but smile sometimes.  Moon eyes.  

She is mine!  She knows it, she wants to be mine!  I hope she always will.  

How amazing they all 3 are in their own ways?  And I am so grateful to be the one in their life who witnessing it all ALL first hand.  They amaze and astound and motivate and cheer me in life. 

I LOVE THEM!!!!  I can’t say it loud enough.

Even in those need-to-hide moments.  I'd like to believe that I'm good at keeping my perspective.

So many thoughts throughout the day I wish I could record.  I really don’t want to miss a moment especially due to impatience or weakness on my part.  But I guess that's part of this life so I'm not beating myself up about it.

All I know is that I want to hold a tubby and smooth sleeping baby Eli forever and I want to cuddle a tired yet inquisitive Audrey and talk and talk and talk about our feelings at all the bedtimes and I want to hold and comfort a petite little middle of the night rag doll named Hannah every night.  

Mom, you are right, night can be a very sacred time.  It is such a welcome thing sometimes.  Especially after a long day.