Menieres Update- and a rather long winded one at that

I've had quite a few emotions about this subject again recently, so here is my update.  As said before Audrey and I went to California a while ago for me to have some appointments.  I'm on my parents insurance for only one more year so that's why it's suddenly become important to me to find some relief for Menieres asap.  Going to California meant I could see specialists and have multiple appointments if necessary, so after talking about it Andrew and I decided it would be a good thing to do.  We had even heard about some surgery options, or "procedures," for Menieres that I wanted to consider once we got more info about them.  (That's how bad it's been…I was actually considering surgery).  Because of work Andrew was not able to come with us on the trip.  That in itself we knew was going to be an adventure.  I was nervous to experience life as a single mom for two weeks and I was worried about flying alone with Audrey.  Since she was still breastfeeding but so much more mobile, I was worried about flashing everyone on the plane several times without Andrew there to hold up a blanket for me.  That and just how fidgety I was sure she would be to sit on my lap for 2 hours straight. But all of that we knew would be manageable, it was the separation that bummed us out the most.  I don't think we had ever been apart for that long since we've been married!  We did a lot of long distance while we were dating but since then we haven't been a part for more than 2 or 3 days.  I knew I would miss him terribly but I also knew how strange and probably hard it would be to not have him around as my fellow parent.  It's funny, because there's obviously love and romance in a marriage but this trip made me realize that it's the partner aspect of marriage that I was missing most.  When we'd talk or Skype at night and I would tell him about the day I had so many things to run by him, questions to ask him, and so many things I wanted to consult him about with the doctors appointments and about things going on with Audrey.  I kept telling him, "I need you here because you are my partner…for everything in LIFE!"  Don't get me wrong, my family was so helpful with Audrey and she was perfectly well taken care of.  It was for me that I needed him, as my emotional and mental support.  Plus Audrey definitely missed him too.

(just for fun) heres an early picture of us in our first apartment together

Well, back to Menieres.  I had a great experience with this doctor, the specialist I saw.  She was very understanding and VALIDATING.  She kept saying it sounded like I've been having such a hard time, and that I deserve some relief.  Other doctors I had talked to just seemed to keep telling me what I was doing wrong, that I wasn't managing it in the right way.  One told me to do low sodium, another told me it was all about stress management to control the vertigo attacks, another said that the main triggers were chocolate and soda so just don't have those, blah blah blah, something different every time I talked to another person.  I told Dr. Mitra all of these things I was hearing and she just listened and when I finished said, "Yes, those are some factors, BUT let me break it all down for you."  And THAT is what made all the difference.  She took out a diagram of the ear and explained exactly what and where Meneires disease is.  We had a lengthy conversation about it until I was sure I understood it all and then we talked about possibilities of coping with it.  And because I understood it, each possibility we talked about actually made sense to me!  I understood what medicine would help what area of my inner ear and how it would do it.  She said that everyone I had talked to was telling me the beginning phases of treating it, the most natural ways, which of course is what any doctor would go to first.  The surgery is other end of the spectrum- the most desperate way to treat it when absolutely nothing else works.  Dr. Mitra said, "What is sounds like you're looking for is what's IN BETWEEN."  When she said that I about cried.  Because I was like, "YES!  That IS what I'm looking for, I just didn't realize it!  That's exactly it!"  She prescribed me a high blood pressure medicine and explained how it may help reduce the swelling in the inner ear that causes the vertigo.  She said to try it out for a while and if it doesn't help we'll keep exploring other options.

What I've learned from this doctor experience is that knowledge is power and being understood and validated is powerful.  I think that's why it brought up such emotions in me.  I do believe that a good portion of physical discomfort of any kind is psychological.  Understanding and being understood has made such a difference in my ability to cope with this potentially life-long ailment.

So, great doctor experience.  But the next battle was breastfeeding.  And what a battle that was going to be.  Because I couldn't start taking the medicine until she was weaned and my strong-willed girl showed no signs of complying.  That was hard, but I think the hardest thing about it was that I really didn't want to stop nursing either…since she was born I had had the goal to make it past a year.  So when I tried to match my will against hers…it was flimsy at best.  Cause I didn't really try very hard.  She still would absolutely not take a bottle of anything (not even breast milk, not even formula with strawberry nesquik in it!) and she didn't seem to understand the sippy cup we had been trying.  There was a specific reason we were feeling some urgency for me to try the medicine- because of insurance we only had one year left to find me some relief, like I said earlier.  The doctor had said to try this medicine for a few months and then we'd try something else if it didn't work.  So I had to start taking it asap.  All these reasons were enough to make us give up the original nursing goal….but for some reason it still wasn't enough to make us starve her out until she took something else- which is what a lot of people were saying to do.  Everyone kinda said "She'll get hungry enough.  You just gotta wait her out."  But we just couldn't.  It was too hard.  Then heaven came- in the form of almond milk and an Ikea sippy cup.  Due to suggestions, sippy cup and bottle loans, and support from friends and neighbors Audrey was weaned at 10 months onto almond milk mixed with formula which she would take from a cute light blue sippy.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard for me to let go of the cuddles and relaxing time nursing offered me several times a day.  But…so far the medicine has seemed to help.  So I am grateful to Audrey for being a trooper the last few months as we figure all of this out.  Because hopefully it means a better-feeling Mommy for the long term.

IT BETTER!!!

My greatest fear is still future pregnancies.  I'll need to stop taking the medicine for them…and we've talked about that if the next pregnancy is as hard as Audrey's was we may need to limit the number of kids we have.  For all our sakes.

My heart is still broken about that.  So, hopefully I will have an uplifting update about it another time.  Right now I just need to let myself be sad.  Sometimes you just gotta.

I'm grateful to Heavenly Father that we've been able to get across this current obstacle we've been facing.  I received medical help, Audrey weaned, were together as a family still figuring out how to figure the next thing out.  I trust the Lord very much.  I'm grateful for friends, family, neighbors, my daughter and my husband.  I'm grateful for support, all of this unfailing support.  Thank you everyone who's been cheering me on with this :)