Sleeping through the night

I have mixed feelings about blogging because it is like journal writing.  Sometimes that's why I enjoy it, but other times that's what makes it hard.  No one likes admitting weaknesses, even to themselves, but in a journal you can do it and you don't have to worry who will see it.  Here it's different.  Of course I don't have to blog about my weaknesses…but I have one right now that I want to blog about because I've had some good experiences lately that are helping me overcome it.

Right now we are trying desperately to get Audrey to sleep through the night.  She had backtracked so much in the last month after we switched her to a new bed that she has been waking up to eat every two or three hours in the night like she's a newborn again.  My weakness is making and keeping us on a schedule and not being a push-over parent when it gets too hard.  We have read about the different methods but have found that it's SO difficult to figure out what's right for your own child.  Every book says "THIS is the way to take control back from the baby" or "you can ONLY do it if you have a nap schedule first"or "THIS is the only way it will work without emotionally scarring your child for life" and things like that.  So then if you don't do it that way there is always that thought in the back of your mind wondering if you ARE emotionally scarring your baby.  Wondering if she is losing trust and faith in you always being there for her.  I've had some rough emotional moments myself because I feel like a failure as a mother because I don't just inherently KNOW what is right for Audrey in this instance and I feel like I should.  But that is a subject for a different post…or rather for my personal journal.  

So, it's been hard.  We know all the things we should have done earlier, everyone always told us.  We know that we've formed bad habits where sleep is concerned.  But I guess parenting is about learning for yourself through trial and error.  And honestly I don't think we would do too many things differently if we could go back.  Maybe that makes us push-over parents but I think in those first few months that was what she needed.  Audrey is not a by-the-book baby and it seems like she's always needed different things than the other babies we know.

However, we feel she is old enough now for us to be a little more deliberate and decisive in our parenting.  We are currently doing a mix of letting her 'cry it out' and the 'five to ten minute intervals' method.  The first night was absolutely the hardest.  The second night a little easier but not much.  In the past, this has been the point where we've bagged the goal altogether.  It just seemed too hard.  But this time is different because of a few motivating factors that were not all present before.

1.  The first one of course is that I am far more exhausted than I have been in awhile.  Since she was born probably.  I really want to have productive days and that's just not going to happen if we keep going on the way we are.  I don't want sleep issues to get in the way of us having good days, all three of us.

2.  The lesson this week in Relief Society at church was about goal setting and being perfect in God's eyes.  It was exactly what I needed.  Helped me remember that Heavenly Father will help our little family get it all figured out and that we don't need to be perfect at it right away.  Striving for perfection is all about progress and patience.  When she introduced the lesson topic right at the beginning it immediately showed me that Heavenly Father is there for us.

3.  I was thinking one day as I was doing the dishes and Audrey was playing about what I think makes a good mom.  I took the time later while Audrey was nursing to write down some of those things, goals I have for my kids and how I can help get them there.  One of the ones I wrote down was that I want to raise my kids to be resilient and independent people who can deal with hard things.  I mentioned that in a previous post.  But when I thought about how I am doing that for Audrey I realized that I'm not doing it very well and that we need to make some changes- and more importantly STICK with those changes.  Remembering that goal has helped me a lot in being motivated to keep going hard at getting her to self soothe at night.

4.  This last one I wrote about in my journal earlier today after one of our first few sleeping successes:

Audrey is taking a nap right now, put herself to sleep after probably 10-12 minutes of crying.  I feel such a wave of relief.  Right now I’m getting a glimpse of my goal.  I went over to Sarah's the other night to borrow some books about getting a baby to sleep through the night and when I got there I was so amazed.  It was obvious that before she had gotten up to open the door that she had been sitting on the couch with a blanket watching Downton Abbey.  As we chatted I looked around at her CLEAN house and was amazed even more.  I just cant describe it!  And she has TWINS!  Right then I think I became more determined than I had ever been before to get Audrey and I on a schedule.  It may not seem like much and I'm sure Sarah didn't think anything of it, but I think witnessing that little scene (that looked so heavenly to me) has propelled me these last few days.  Remembering it has been my drive at Audrey’s bedtime and middle of the night crying.  Because I actually saw proof that it will be for her good and my good.  And I saw what is possible if we  do it!  Audrey will be a happier, well-rested baby during the day and I will have a blessed hour or two to myself at night!  We have a loooong way to go I think.  But gosh, I’m grateful for that little moment.  Even something that simple was from Heavenly Father, I believe.  I’ve been praying for motivation and He gave it to me!  So, as Audrey sleeps right now and I find myself about to eat lunch with two hands in front of my favorite show I am SO extremely grateful.  I think it won’t last more than 45 minutes or so…but holy smokes it’s already been amazing…just to think that this can be the norm.  To think that this can happen more often if we work at it- hard- is such motivation to me.  I love Audrey so much and I need to have faith in her that she can do this. And faith in myself too. 

The last two are probably the most motivating ones for me.  I've never been good at keeping a schedule,  but I so badly want to restore some order in our lives now while fostering her development and I think having personal down-time is a big part of both.  So thank you, Sarah for giving me hope without even realizing it!

So there is my weakness, and along with it there is my goal.  We already have made so much progress with it and I'm determined to keep going.  I always need to trust better that everything will be okay, that Audrey will not hold it against me in the morning when we let her cry longer every time.  We have modified the methods to meet her specific needs and I've realized that I do know what she needs.  It's a good feeling, an empowering one.  All the books say not to pick your baby up when sleep training, but I know that my Audrey absolutely cannot handle that…and so we do pick her up after the 5 or 10 minutes, give her a good long 2 to 3 minute hug, then put her back down.  Hearing her cry still hurts my heart, but keeping the long term goal in mind helps me remember that it will be okay.  Motherhood/parenting is really hard, but as always amazingly worth every minute of it.  I keep needing to tell myself "I am STRONG.  I am INVINCIBLE.  I am MOTHER.  HEAR ME ROAR!!!!"

This little morning face is what I have to look forward to if I keep at this goal!!!  She is SO happy when she is well rested.  THIS is my greatest motivation.