Baby Mine

So motherhood is hard.  Why didn't anyone tell me???

Just kidding.  Lot's of people told me.  But as with every new thing in life, I didn't realize how hard until I was experiencing it.  I'm sitting here right now at 1 am with Audrey asleep in my lap.  She had been crying for a few hours and has now finally settled down.  Such a relief.  And not at the same time.  Because as relieving as it is to finally have her asleep, I'm scared she'll wake up the minute I put her down.  And I'm not very good at sleeping with her in my arms so I am staying up to hold her just so she'll stay asleep.  Seems silly because I know that I should be sleeping while she does.  But I can't help living in fear of the moment I put her down.  Because I know that for my own sanity that moment will have to come at some point and based on how heavy my eyes feel right now I know it's going to have to be soon.
So many things about this earliest phase of her life are SO hard.  Audrey is colicky.  Sometimes I don't know how we get through every day.  The phrase "taking it one day at a time" has a whole new meaning to me.  The one thing I keep thinking as I'm walking in circles with her while she screams is that I can't wait for the next phase.  I know I should try to enjoy the good things about every phase, but I can't help it sometimes.  I can't wait for this part to be over.
Tonight I came across this article on a blog for moms that has helped me remember to try hard to keep myself from dreading the hard moments.  It's all about finding ways to stop just looking at the future- to be in the now.

http://powerofmoms.com/2013/09/how-i-enjoy-being-a-mother-now/

I think I've needed some help doing that, especially at night when her crying reaches its climax.  I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of crying, a lot of praying to get through this time.  And so this article, my love for Audrey, and my desire to enjoy this time with her when she is at her youngest have inspired me to write down all the things I am loving about this time.

 So here is my list of things I LOVE about my newborn Audrey (it's a very long list):

• breastfeeding.  believe it or not i love it.  its also one of those things that is really hard.  but i love the cuddles, the way she looks at me out of the corner of her eye to make sure i'm still there, i love seeing her suck, i ADORE the sounds she makes, and i love how close we are during it, physically and emotionally.  i love the way her hands cling to me softly, i love feeling that she loves me.  i was so nervous for breastfeeding and it didn't help that it was a very rough start, but now it's one of the things i treasure most about my relationship with my daughter.
• holding her hand.  or more accurately her holding my thumb.  sometimes she squeezes it with all her might and other times her fingers are wrapped loosely around it.
• singing to her.  lately its been disney songs.  i start out singing loudly to get her attention while she's crying and then gradually get softer as she gets softer until she falls asleep.  doesnt always work, but when it does it's magic.
• her amazed/confused face at everything we put in front of her. 
• her number 1 finger.  one of her pointer fingers goes up in the air whenever she stretches sleepily.  she's saying we're number 1!
• her accidental smiles and her almost smiles- her smiling eyes.  she is starting to smile more deliberately, maybe once or twice a day.  but right now it's when her eyes smile that i know she is happy. 
• her grunts and coos.  and her little coughs and sneezes.
• the closeness of using the baby carrier.  then she is with me, on me all the time.  almost like she's back in my tummy again.  it soothes her to be that close and it feels so good for me too.
• her newborn clothes.  her hands in the little mittens.  she's already outgrown two outfits.  :(
• her husky breathing.  the way it vibrates against me.
• her little milk breath and her fresh newborn baby smell.  there's nothing like it.  nothing!
• her dead weight body after nursing.
• when she wakes up slowly and contentedly after a nap.  just looking around calmly.
• when she gets startled by her own gas and explosive bowel movements.  they startle me sometimes too!
• her soft smooth baby skin.  she has a cute little birthmark on one of her big toes. 
• how her arms hanging over my shoulder when i hold her upright.  
• hanging out in the bed with in the morning.  how she cant go anywhere.  sometimes we lay there together having some girl talk and other times she helps me choose my outfit (on those few days that I actually get dressed).
• her yawns.- i guess just all things that have to do with the shape of her cute little mouth.  how her mouth is open as she sleeps.  even when shes crying.  that bottom lip makes my heart a flutter.
• the way her head flops around and hits mine.  last night she was flopping her head around quite vigorously trying to find a comfortable spot when suddenly her cheek smacked against mine and there she stayed.  we were both facing the same way, her cheek pressed up against mine, and she started to fall asleep.  instead of dancing cheek to cheek, we were sleeping cheek to cheek!   cheeks do look pretty comfortable if you think about it.
• her fragileness.  watching her get stronger.
• her little double chin.
• her sleepy cuddles.
• the way she makes me feel important, like i am the "queen of all happiness" to her as someone said the other day.  yesterday i jumped in the backseat of the car with her while Andrew drove because she was crying hysterically and as soon as she saw me and felt me stroking her cheek she calmed down and closed her eyes.  my heart just burst with love to be her mommy and to have that effect on her at this stage of life. 
• the way she stretches in her sleep.  the way she throws her arms out to the side when she is either really made or startled in her sleep.
• her standing up as high as she can when she's mad.  it's like she's saying "you better get me what i want!  i'm bigger than you think I am!!!"
• her hiccups.  and how they don't even bother her.
• the funny positions she gets in when she falls asleep on my chest.  one arm extended, the other tucked in tight, legs crossed indian style with her little bum sticking out.  among others. 
• andrew's way of putting her to sleep.  it never works for me.  he holds her head in one hand and bum in the other and talks to her, slowly rocking her a little.  she looks at him curiously until she drifts off.
• always wanting to be up high on my shoulder to be burped.  if my shoulder is not pressed against her tummy underneath her rib cage she will fuss until it is.  her head bobs around a little, but she has pretty good head control for her age.  this is random but it kind of reminds me of a meer cat that's up on it's hind legs looking at something.
• time time time.  just all the time i get to spend with her.  i'm glad to never be away from her.  it's amazing how even though i'm never more than ten feet away from her, i never get sick of her.  i get tired when she's crying, yes, but i'm never sick of her.  if i haven't held her for a half hour i miss her.  i've wondered a few times how i would feel if someone else other than me or Andrew, someone completely qualified to care for her, completely nurturing and good, came in and relieved me for a little while, taking Audrey far enough away that i would not be able to hear her cry so i could get a few hours of real solid sleep.  and i can't even stand the thought.  i just want to be there.  it's not an issue of not trusting that person.  it's that i love my little girl and i would miss her.  i would feel strange not being the one answering her cries.

As long as it is this is not an all inclusive list, believe it or not.  And I'm sure I'll be adding to it in future posts.  There is just too much, there always will be too much to love about her.  And so this list will serve as a reminder to me that amid the hard times there are the good ones.  The great, wonderful, amazing ones that greatly outweigh the bad.  I keep thinking of that song "Let Them Be Little."

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand

Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute

And how it amazes me, you're changin' with every blink

Faster than a flower blooms they grow up all too soon

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh, just let them be little

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch

I live for those kisses, prayers and your wishes

And now that you're teachin' me things only a child can see

Every night while we're on our knees all I ask is please

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh, just let them be little

So innocent, a precious soul, you turn around

It's time to let them go

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while

Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day

Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle

Oh, just let them be little

Let them be little

Every line of that song feels true to me.  Especially while Audrey is at her littlest, I want to let her be little.  After all she's only going to be a baby once.  She's already so much bigger than she was.  And I don't want to miss a thing.  So here's another song to remind me of that.

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days

Hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this